finally, g1!

well a bunch of things have been going onnnn and maybe i'll blog briefly on them later. well i guess it's only been two days haha but for exciting news.. i'm FINALLY getting my g1 when i'm almost turning 20 :) i hope i pass on the first try and that i can smile in my driver's license picture haha now i can finally practice driving, have a form of I.D., and not be constantly asked why i don't have my g1 yet :)

25 + 26

Break = more time = more blogging i guess :)

So the 25th was Christmas Day! and it was a mighty goood day :) I went downtown to nathan philips to meet up with jochan, dorothy, curtis, and ambrose because they had planned to just go around and ask people in the area their thoughts about Christmas and trying to share the Gospel with them by talking about the real meaning of Christmas - the day that Christ our Saviour was born into our world! so i guess i haven't done much of this before... I've been door to door for surveys and at soup kitchens but i've never approached people in public before and just talk about them. I guess my biggest fear is that i don't know what to say (which is why i need to learn more about His Word and Jo showed me this neat idea where she puts important verses in her Bible so she always knows where to refer when looking for a verse :D) but I went with Jo and Ambrose and they're both more experienced i guess you could say so they did most of the talking but i'm just really thankful that they acknowledged my noobiness... and were really supportive :) in total we talked to four people and they were four really great experiences and I hope that I will continue to pray for these four people. And it always gets me how I complain about it being cold but there were people sleeping on the sidewalks downtown and i cannot even fathom how rough that is >_< but this experience really encouraged me to talk to people if God has given me an opportunity. and to really see the need to spread His love and His Gospel.

after that we went hooome and i had dinner with the neighbours and some other families and then went to watch The Tourist since Irene and i really wanted to watch a movie =P but it wasn't a very good movie .... =(

then Sunday we had CHURCH and baby dedication was so cute! haha and today the message was about forgiveness. interestingly this came back up at the end of the day :) (thanks bernard for the talk!) and then we ate korean food, went skating downtown with some church people and it was really coooold but i got to talk to tang, julie, and lise more so i'm happy :) and then my toes froze haha so i got some starbucks. and went back to fairview... shopped for 1.5 hours then went home :) and went to neighbours agaaaain this is the part of the blog where it's not that interesting... haha um yes it was a fun day! thank you God! :)

community

so today i had a really good day :) 4pm church service today and the speaker was so funny yet really taught in a good way too. the topic was on JOY and how many things may be able to make you happy but if you don't feel joyful, those same material things will not make you happy. he talked about ipad a lot haha so if you have an ipad and you like it and it can make you happy! but then when you don't have anymore joy even an ipad won't make you happy, it can't make it better. but if you have joy, many things can make you happy but having nothing, you can still be happy :) if that makes sense... so ultimately material objects may bring you temporary happiness but without JOY in the LORD, it's pointless because ultimately knowing Him and having faith in Him gives us joy :). Also thought it was kind of cool how ENJOY actually means 'to GIVE joy' similarly to how encourage is 'to give encouragement'.

anyways afterwards we went to minh and karen's house for fellowship and we were talking a lot about community. and i think i've personally struggled with community a lot... because i was new to ntcbc, everyone already knew each other from when they were younger growing up in the church or other people were just more outgoing so i felt out of the loop; going to loo, i didn't know many brothers and sisters more personally at ccf so i never got invited to a lot of things so i felt kind of left out a lot too; and then with a lot of friendships i felt like i cared more about other people than they cared about me and it was rough because many people say that a good relationship is double-sided and just ALL over the place i felt like i was disconnected and nobody cared... but then i realized i just expected most people to come to me... that if they cared they would come talk to me because that's showing love.. but i forgot that i myself wasn't putting that much effort in as well. and with some friends i felt really upset that they weren't putting as much effort into the friendship and always being too busy for me and a lot of the times i felt like just giving up on them completely and forgetting about it... but today karen shared her thoughts on community and being committed to a church (specifically but it also applied to any group or even person). it really strengthened my thoughts on community esp since i felt also really out of the loop with josiah because i was in waterloo most of the term. but anyways karen talked about how she also wanted to leave the church because after she had come back from university she felt like she wasn't "part" of the community anymore and it was very hard because you just feel left out. but she felt like she had grown up in this church and she had to go back as her responsibility to help the church grow after it raised her up as well. i guess this is a more specific case but what i got out of it is that if everyone just left when they felt there were issues with something or they didn't enjoy something in the church, then sooner or later that church would just deteriorate and no one would help build them up. I guess more simply, if there's a problem, don't just run from it but try to fix it? this was in the context that it's not a major issue like majorly bad doctrine or if you felt God was actually calling you to another church.. but someone brought up how this is part of carrying the CROSS, to commit yourself to one Church, to go serve there and to build each other up, and to put effort into it even when times seem tough for you because we are doing this for Him and for His GLORY. I do not do justice to the "speech" she made haha but it just made it so much clearer that you can't just expect people to come to you all the time. and it's not because people don't care about you but people are imperfect beings and they can't always be there like God is. it also encouraged me to face these issues i have with community and try to put in more effort and to not simply give up on people :) okay long post but it was a really good night of sharing and hearing how God has been working in other people and learning a lot too!

저는 집에 갔어요 !

Korean was my last exam and I don't know if the title of my blog post is CORRECT BUT I'M HOME :D

it's super nice to be back and sorry for the people who still have exams but you are almooost done! :) i like just sitting in my room even though i don't have plans with people. i haven't gotten to taste home cooking yet though. probably tomorrow! i can't wait to see the people that i haven't seen for so long :) and watching people get baptised today made it an even more joyous occasion. Something did happen today though that kind of hurt me =S but i know that regardless of who it is that hurts us, we must still show love to them. I've realized I guess through seeing it happen with other people and myself that it's easy to develop grudges or to talk badly about the person who hurt us and concentrate on downplaying that person rather than why it wasn't a nice thing to say.. but i think most of the time it's just pride, not wanting to admit your own weaknesses, flaws, and errors.

I think personally for me, I actively think about ways to give. But where I fall short, and i fall very very very SUPER DUPER EXTRA short, is when I feel like it's not done back onto me. "Do as you would like others done onto you" but I always felt like it was never reciprocated. and that's where i super duper failed! it's because i do not know humility, i'm too prideful and think i deserve anything at all... if God thought like me after He sent His SON, then He would just be soooo upset because of our consistent failures to love and draw close to Him, our highs and lows in our faith, our hypocrisy, all our shortcomings... but He's not because he is an awesome awesome God whose love is unconditional :) it would also just be impossible to ever reciprocate His grace... I need to re-focus on Him and let Him be the source of my love. to be more like Christ who came to this earth to be our Saviour and knowing there was no way we could ever reciprocate his good deed for us yet He did it anyway. and i can't do it alone! I'll need His strength to not fall into those traps! :)

ENVS200: Ecology

so i have been forced to take this ecology course this term and it has tons and tons of readings and learning some pretty cool things about nature and ecology and my knowledge grew! and all these things just point me to how great God truly is! all these webs and interactions that work our perfectly.... it blows my mind. just toooo perfect! even though ecosystems are complex and hard to understand and each one is contextual.. they all work out in a finely tuned balance that seems too good to be just random. If we take stats into account, we could say that the p-value that what we observed in the world is just part of random chance is very small! or that the observed data is significant enough to say that it isn't just random... well just from what i learnt in ecology anyway =P

(my ecology and stats exams are on two consecutive days - my studying has partially paid off haha but i really struggled with explaining the p-value.. gotta work harder!)

exam time!!!

dumdumdummmm. today christine and i got a study room in dc and that was when i began my studying for exam time! i'm not too panicked yet because i think i have enough time.. so i better use my time well T_T but it kind of feels.. exciting hahah and i can't wait til this is over and i can go hoome! and we also started listening to some Christmas music haha and i heard this song at creekside the past sunday and its simplicity really hit me :)

hide!

i think i'm getting too good at putting on masks... am i falling into the same hole again or is it a legit concern? >__> am i just a hypocrite or ??

:D

hmm when i am alone i tend to reflect a lot and it usually goes two ways... either a depressed lonely feeling OR a happy having joy-in-the-Lord feeling... i really should get rid of the first one >_< often i easily fall into the trap of thinking that things aren't going well and that nobody cares or whatever >_< but it's so baaad because God, YOU ARE ENOUGH!! but right now i am having one of those good moments :) when i can count my blessings and see that i truly am very very blessed. I have friends that will encourage me not just with words like "you can do it!" or "just work harder!" but with spiritual encouragement and reminders that the focus is always to do all things for Him and not for our own desires, wants and needs. I guess sometimes it's difficult to say these things and sometimes it even feels taboo... but i'm beginning to become more open in my spiritual encouragement as well and i'm so happy i have such good people around me that help me grow and get through university. God, You are sooo good ^^

anyways i haven't been blogging much >_< but update = work has been tough and it's kind of derailed my whole keener streak and my devo time :( SO I MUST GET BACK ON TRACK!

reminders

well i haven't been blogging too often recently but undoubtedly so many things are happening daily and although some things are tougher than others but i'm trying to see everything I'm going through as opportunities through which God can build me up. gotta let him guide me and i need to let go of the things that i want control over - because i never really can get control anyway. i think two Bible verses that have encouraged me and somewhat sum up what i've been experiencing:

"many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21

"therefore i am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever i am weak, then i am strong" 2 Corinthians 12:10

God is good and i'm learning! surely but slowly... i guess the past while there's a lot of tough times for many people, including myself and just facing insecurities or just loss of what to do but i'm so thankful for the people that God has placed in my life that encourage me spiritually to face things and we can just be honest and open and offer encouragement and it's just so good =) i'm truly blessed and God is so gooood! i guess everything is still pretty tough =\ but good thing HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS :D

deeper :)

every year in university God has been teaching me so so so so sooooo much and really challenging me and i hope that i can only go deeper in my relationship with Him! this was a pretty bad week in terms of work but i tried to just draw my strength from Him and to just rely on Him and know his plan is perfect. and i super looked forward to DG and it was greaaaat =D got to share about my week and hear about doris, diana, and monica's and i'm glad that they are honest and open about their struggles and trials =) that really means a looot to me because i know for myself i'm someone who often .. hides things and the fact that they can be open towards me shows me that i can also be open =) and doing Bible study with my dg was so refreshing and it felt so GOOOD to just read His word especially after such a draining week :) it really felt like i was drawing strength from Him ^^ then afterwards headed over to lester and got to catch up a bit with matt though he had to sleep but i'm glad i could just see how he's doing since we've both been busy and haven't had much time to talk about our struggles.

then friday! went SKATING =D but it was cold =( and then i had my first tutoring session and that was really such a good experience. even though my tutee is a graduate student and i suppose he's quite old haha relative to me but he's a really interesting person. and even though there were some awkward silences when you run out of topics but i hope i can help him improve his english! and get to know him more. he is a physics grad student from china ... so smart T_T anyway played softball, went home, helped out with welcome table at ccf =) and watched 1040! It's a documentary about the Christianity movement in Asia and it was such a moving documentary... especially since i guess i'm pretty interested in Asia-related stuff this was... just so good =D anyways i know a lot of people talked about the korean pastor who died as a hostage but i think the line that really reached me was just the fact that people are "dying for their faith" and it made me question if i am CURRENTLY dying for my faith.... am i giving all of myself to God? am i placing Him above worldly and selfish desires? am i truly dying (not physically) for my faith..... the answer is probably no... but i hope that realizing that answer will continue to draw me closer to Him!! i am super thirsty =D for HIM hehe

anyways i really liked 1040 and i want to get my own copy! and theeen after that we went home as a house and it was nice being home on a friday =D and on saturday i unintentionally walked in on caring ministry meeting but it was really good getting to share and hear others share about people they want to care for =) thank God for your love! and had an enjoyable dinner buffet which was hilarious and filling! anyways i have to learn how to write shorter posts... i think i go into too much detail... hahaha overall good times and must complete the goals i set for dg!

academics =S

hmm i've never really been too caught up about marks before :\ maybe a bit in the first bit of university when i got marks lower than what i normally did in highschool and it took awhile to adjust but i think i've reached a new level of fail for me... and i don't really understand why school is such a struggle for me this term but i find that the more i fail and the more i struggle, the more i'm drawn to God and reminded that He is my ROCK! and maybe i'm just used to good marks in highschool but i know that God can easily give and take these things away. I hope i don't let school and academics become more important to me than God. I feel like through these next weeks I really need to learn what it means to draw my strength from God and to praise Him through it all. and that this doesn't stop when it gets easy but only builds! that i continue to rely on Him more! I really don't know why things are this way and what to do in this academic...rut.. but i'll trust in Him :) maybe this is a good humbling experience =) this might mean less complaining on my part!! need to learn to stop doing that...

anyway had my first hockey game today =D so goooooooood hehehehe touched the puck 3 times =D and we won! yaaay

i look to You

i think i had a rough week haha but thanks to everyone who helped me through, regardless if you guys REALIZE it or not.. but i think God worked through a lot of people to speak to me indirectly. AH so good =D

but anyway on wednesday we had our critique for that project and it went okay... major thing is we didn't get DESTROYED but it wasn't terrible. and our group was pretty positive about it :) not really looking forward to this anymore though! aaand we had an epic quiz in my chinese lit class and it was kinda ..crazy. it lasted 1.5 hours lol and i'm not really sure how i feel about it haha but i think the teacher is nice hopefully! anyway a lot of this struggling with school made me think back to last year and how much easier i found it... i guess school does get harder as you go up in levels! but i suddenly felt so unsure of myself and what i'm doing and what i should be doing and just overall really frustrated, feeling slightly abandonned by people and felt like no one could see i guess.. sounds so emo LOL but like i swear God has been trying to show me for yearssss that He is the greatest and most reliable friend that will ever exist. that no person could ever understand or be there for me as much as He can. but i temporarily forgot =( badddd salina! but after i just went home and did a devo and i felt GOOOD :D thank you God!

and i also went to a missions sharing night and that was really goood! really enjoyed it. i think it ties in well to how i was thinking about what i want to do in the future.. and i guess overall the whole sharing just spoke to me that God is still shaping me and that i was looking too much at where i wanna be, what i wanna do, forgetting to let God lead me.

SO i'm feeling much better now! i'm actually so bored right now i think i might do some work....

stressed... from one course only ...

ahh plan 210! i don't know what to do =( it is due super soon but i can't even help >< i wish there was more i could do but i can't really do anything now but wait =\ and i've talked to other groups and it seems like they are super stressed out as well.. hope everything turns out okay. good thing i'm not planning to specialize in urban design... haha but i guess it'd be better if i could help contribute with some tech skills or something. i just keep praying that it will be okay and to not worry too much >< we worked pretty hard on it and while i don't have too much work i know other people's courses have suffered because of this project =(

aaaaand i was talking to someone recently about how i don't want to work to be rich so i have a good life... and that i want to use my life to help people... because in ecology class the prof goes on rants a lot about how people have really terrible systems that are bad for the environment and can be bad for people and how planners don't understand what trees need -_- and i used to want to be a zoologist and do animal conservation LOL because i like pandas... >_> but now in retrospect i think i would never want to spend my life helping animals when humans are in greater need of help! i often feel like i'm being such a dreamer though... or is it society/the devil!! trying to convince me that having such dreams are SILLY and the world is one where you have to fend for yourself and it makes no sense that you aren't in university to help yourself in the future. but i really don't want to lose sight of wanting to spend my life, my potential future career just so i can be comfortable or rich :S i want to DO something that God will be well pleased of! i hope i don't lose sight of this :)

----

p.s. i think i give up!

little piggy going to the market!

so on saturday, the kitchener market opens in downtown kitchener.. aka the heart of the site that we're supposed to do analysis on. so i went with the majority of my group at 10 am to do some research for our site analysis. too bad it was so cold or it would've been nicer. i also got to see tom haha cause he was also going to creep some people early in the morning. but yeah i got to check out the farmer's market and i love how it's so BUSTLING :D and it's so CUUUTE. idunno =) i enjoyed it and i bought a potted flower for my mommy for 2 BUCKS :D and thennn later my parents came in with lotsa stuff and i got a bookshelf + bed! and then we went to the mall aaand lunch and we came back and then at night we went to westcourt for a potluck and the food was wonderful =) especially the lasagna!! and we had some fun times playing taboo :D

anyways i did NOT get to play hockey this weekend =( was quite looking forward to it! but oh well it looks quite intimidating actually! and i went to watch them play and i didn't even know anyone on the team =( except i saw keith haha and church at simply today was good! the speaker was really to the point and clear so i could follow really easily. i wish i had my notebook + pen with me thooo. and went home and watched some anime (yay!) and cleaned my roooom, did laundry, ate with house, watch amazing race with kevjumba!, and did some real work finally lol :D sooo about to start another week of school. i have a to do list now.. i hope i can use my time wisely~

myyy day

was... a mix! started off by going to downtown kitchener at 10am to stand on an intersection and creep people as they walked by for my planning project =P i also got an awesome text from doris asking for a lunch date :) followed by a call from christine asking if she could join. thank you girls for checking up on meeeee. even though we didn't talk about anything related to my blog at lunch, just the thought that you guys care and want to be there warms my heart! but yeah lunch was gooood. not ONLY did i get to have eggplant at DC again but crystal also came and we had jokes talks and i walked with home and we chatted on the way back and it was goood cause i haven't talked to her about anything for awhile! glad to know we can still be open =)

thennn i went to cif and i was late to my frisbee date with elena =( and the wind was ridiculous! but we got some throwing in and then started to warm up for our softball game! it was so diff! i had no idea what i was doing =S i like back catcher :) nice and easy and not too much pressure =D but the team we were facing were kind of intimidating lol but in the end, we didn't lose so bad! 10-8! :D

mm after i was super tired and went home and had a nap even though i was wet from a bit of rain and eeeverything i just plopped down and napped for 2 hours and was late for ccf =\ but it was goood. i'm excited that there will be a women's ministry this term! i hope i can make the times... then afterrr i decided to go to slc and see jeff and to see if brian would stay at their place but then that dint' work out but .. i discovered i really miss breaking/breakers... i guess seeing them and remembering those very fun game nights ahahah so eric is coming up this weekend! so maybe we will relive those times.. =) after that i headed home and it was probably the saddest walk home ever lol.... well i was alone, it was dark, it was windy/cold, open parking lots make you sad... and then thinking about STUFF... but then i got home and i talked to christine and it warmed my heart LOL really! but idunno about the STUFF anymore haiiii anyway spent the rest of the night eating/anime/chatting and now i'm here!

also as i was walking through the parking lot i was really scared and i looked upwards for lights to make sure that i would be well lit. and then i looked at the parking lot lamps, thinking that this light is so man-made, and only rises several meters out of the ground. and this made me look higher for God's light and all i saw was a dark night sky. and then i realized that i wasn't looking in the right place and how i could be shining a lot brighter...

troubling week

this has no doubt been a rollercoaster of a week! does it show? :P thanks dt for asking me bout ma post :) here's another one of those..

i feel so not at ease right now. i guess troubled could describe it. i'm so ... upset i guess because i just don't understand. i feel lk i've been fed a lot of lies. kinda what phil said before about how someone told lies just to make other people happy. whether they really are like that or not it feels like they are lies T_T it feels lk those things aren't true anymore. i don't know =( my perception of many things has changed. is this what he felt like last year? i feel like everything serious is covered by jokes...i don't even understand the dynamics of it allll.. i feel like i should just let him go on his own way sorta thing... but then i can't because i worry too =\ confirmed by what happened tonight.

well i guess that was a vague yet obvious post. God help me to understand him and please guide me to do what You would... =(

days are so easily ruined...

that is all T_T

partying at Western?

no, not really. mostly just sitting >_< idunnno "partying" was a very interesting experience... i felt like i witnessed/experienced a really strange situation (?) and i'm still kind of confused as to what i'm taking away from this but maybe as i write this blog it'll becme a bit clearer... and YOU CAN SEE.. i'm still up at this late hour with church the next day because of this party -_-"

anyways it was like their house warming party but i knew one of the housemates isn't really into that partying stuff and she felt she had to stay because it was a houuuse party.. so i thought that i would stay as well and hopefully make it easier on here. i had the option of going back to a bonfire thing but i'm glad that i ended up staying! for the most part a bunch of the not-so-into-partying people were just sitting around and laughing/talking but it was kinda boring and as it got later it got more tiring as well... and idunno some people were really out of it.. and one guy felt very sick and was taking up the washroom with the shower so none of us people who wanted to go to bed COULD shower. but as most people left the party and started to clear out i felt very bad for that one girl >_< so i helped them clean up in hopes that we could all just go to bed already and both of us had to wake up and. and this really brought back something i was discussing this week about not doing things for acknowledgement but in humility and joy! so i'm glad i got to put what i was reminded to do into USE! but ... well we are still up but i think i can sleep soon.... T_T but they all went out to mcdonalds so i hope they get back. i don't even know WHERE i am sleeping.... but i'm glad no one was like WOW YOU"RE NOT COOL FOR NOT DRINKING. kind of thing though i did get a couple of those "condescending 'you go to loo?'/'loo parties are lame' type remarks" as well as "you haven't had anything? but you need the western experience!" >_> hai! i LOVE the kind of parties i have at loo =) the ones where you don't need mass amounts of alcohol to have fun ^^

PS found my watcard and keys :) yes! thank you GOD!

nuuuuuuuuuuuu

today i took the bus with my wonderful buddy christine hehe and it was a pretty easy going busride. and thennnn afterwards at night i discovered that i was missing my watcard... and my key.... HAI T______________________T i am pretty like 100% sure that i left it on the seat of the bus... and i was even thinking of looking backwards to check what i left... but i REALLY REALLY HOPE that the bus driver of that bus saw it as he checks the bus thoroughly before everyone else boards. there was only ONE lady behind me as we all got off... and i hope he left it at the greyhound station >_< except when i discovered it wasn't there it was too late... cause the station was closed so i will call back next morning. it's a watcard and a key waht could a person do with it >_< i only have 15 dollars on the watcard. hope if someone found it they will return it =( haaai got me worried. i hope i can let this one go and just pray about it and have faith in Him and BELIEVE that there's a reason to His perfect plan! i have never lost my watcard before =(

only positive point of losing the card is.... NEW PICTURE?

first week

HM so i'm officially done my "first week of classes" i guess since i have no more classes until monday! hooray =) i guess this is pretty nice. starting a weekend at 1 on thursday ahah. first week has been preeetty easy breezy i think. i have sooome work but it all shouldn't take TOO long. and i'm sure ill have some time in western to work when i'm bored =P i'm EVEN bringing my textbook cause i'm hardcore! just kidding... well i fell asleep in a lot of my classes T_T teachers give really dragged out introductions about the course...

i'm kinda scared for my electives... chinese literature is kind of intense! but i think the prof is nice so it should be okay =) and korean is pretty joookes. but it seems hard cause most people in the class seem to be real korean-lovers and already know lotsa phrases and stuff! AND i hate textbooks =( i never use them but they cost like a bajillion dollars! i jsut spent 200 on three books.. so i have decided to not buy my 150 stats book. i think i can survive without it .. T_T hai...

hope i have a guud time at western =D

jumping back on the blog wagon!

hmm so i haven't blogged in awhile but today someone reminded me about my blog haha so i felt a sudden need to go blog =) well the rest of my summer was goood. i always get sad at the end of every summer because it's over and because i'm leaving people who i had fun with in the summer =( esp those on my softball team! lots of jokes times and ups and downs but i loove them! even if that might not necessarily be reciprocated :P

anyways i guess i can't dwell on that too much since i've officially moved back into waterloo and so far it's been okay :) sometimes it feels kind of lonely being away from home and not in my ROOM but i'm sure that soon i will be calling this place home! and i'm excited for my roommates ^^ it seems like it'll be good fun times. i'm still not really back in the whole school mindset and feel a bit unprepared but over these past two days it'll be GOOD i hope :)

semi!

i am very excited that we got into semi-finals for junior softball :D but i know it's not because of our own skills that we have made it thus far, God has definitely been with us =D and it is only through God's will that we could make it to semi! anyways this softball season has been a lot of ups and downs for me... i looove to hang out with my team and i love softball! but it's disappointing to see how competition can change people. it's been rough on me =( but i try to remember that i'm leading FOR GOD above everything else. that the basis for all my actions is to serve and glorify Him and i hope i can set a good example like that for tomorrow...

and time for super vague slightly rant time...
i really hate the feeling of being replaced or like unimportant or not a part of something or not like..whats the word.... needed? esp since it's a team i suppose and it sucks knowing that it's like i can be thrown away so easily, like i won't be missed.. maybe those are things i just look for and expect too much. if she says she doensn't like to be compared why do you think i would like to be replaced... or easily swapped or something... is my presence really so disposable to them ..? i'm not trying to say i'm vital to the team or that i'm really good >_< i think that was my least vague post lol!

thinking, as always

3 random thoughts suddenly came to me today...

1) my China trip went ... pretty well despite me being stranded at airport and creepy bus dude. I think i went to China completely paranoid... after hearing everyone telling me to be careful about getting my stuff stolen so i basically hugged my purse everywhere i went. but actually i think i felt the hospitality of the Chinese people instead. although i was totally scared of a dude at the airport, he actually lent me his phone so that i could CALL the people who were supposed to pick me up. and although the security people looked mad sketchy, they let me charge my phone at the security "booth" and were very friendly people and they made me laugh a lot XD and then when i was walking around with my luggage to try to find a taxi to the airport, a lady tried to like sell me something i think but then i told her that i'm just going to the airport and she actually helped to direct me towards the main road. anyways i think you should still be careful of your stuff since i haave heard stories of things getting stolen but it's not like we should go everywhere being suspicious of people without seeing that they are actually loving as well :D

2) i am confused about bargaining... while i know a lot of people LOVE to bargain because it's like a game and you don't want to get ripped off but i also feel sort of bad... someone said to me that you take 10% of the price they say it is and start bargaining from there.. but i feel bad because i feel like they already don't earn that much and we're probably pretty well off to be able to travel to somewhere where we can even bargain.. and i feel like even though with a lower price they will still profit but it's not that much to begin? IDUNNO i think they shouldn't rip us off ridiculously but at the same time they probably don't earn THAT much?

3) summer is coming to an end! and i think i'm pretty excited about university.. living in a house with awesome people, taking courses that sound interesting haha, starting the school year FRESH! but summer has been good chilling with the people i hardly see during the school year!! i sort of can't imagine how to say goodbye.. for now

strange lesson

Today is my friend's birthday! We had softball practice like usual and normally we drive him home after maybe eating somewhere. However because today was his birthday, he wanted to go out with his friends and he often says how he doesn't wanna go home so early, so i think he's just in that phase where he's trying to grow up faster than time is allowing lol it sorta brings back similar feelings for myself =P so we dropped him off at an intersection although we tried to get him to just go with us so that we could drive him home because his mom had bought him a cake and wanted to surprise him! and i think she was very disappointed =( but we still went becuase it was someone else's bday tomorrow and we celebrated his birthday and ate half the cake LOL i think the mom tried to be happy but you could tell she was a upset or disappointed.. and then i thought about how that's probably what i make my mom feel all the time T_T it was a good reminder for me to treat my parents better, i was able to witness how us children can make parents feel but i don't get to witness enough how i make my own parents feel...

thank you God for really showing me today that i must treasure and love my parents!

last game!

so today was the last game of our regular season this year =) and although we lost i still had a lot of fun. i think it was cause i knew the umps, knew some ppl on the team, got to play a diff position, and knew a lot of other people that were also there. i guess it was one of those good social days haha and so even though we were losing everyone being there just made it fun! saw some people i haven't seen in awhileee and just seeing them made me happy =D and lotsa laughs and had a goood team dinner afterwards! aaaaaand i ended the game =( i hate when that happens cause i feel so bad but then i think about when other people end games and no one ever accuses them or anything lol but i just feel bad also cause i ended the inning by hitting jon >_< lol but he can tank it. sooo ended off the day by playing some BRAWL haha

but some goood fellowshipping today =D really felt the LOOOOVE

what would i do...

... if i didn't have God with me now. I really can't even begin to imagine how i would face all my trials without God by my side. and that's the situation now... housing is really frustrating T___T there's 10 days before september and we neeed to find somebody to fill in the 5th spot in our townhouse. the first payment is due september 1st or else it's considered late? we all feel at such a lost/in a panic to find one more person and it's completely destroying us! but what would i do without faith in God... to believe that this is the perfect plan and that no matter what we praise Him. I shared how in my first year, God taught me to have faith. and yesterday i read in a book: "Times like this are when we just have to bare our face to the tempest and go on without seeing clearly, without understanding, without anything but naked faith." that is what i feel like now... i don't know what will happen or why or really even what to do but keep searching for a person... but just to go on in faith >< and i really hope that i keep this faith up because i don't want to lose that! i don't want to fall into any temptation that says that God isn't with us or for us or helping us. Just gotta lift this up to God!

anyways minor update: was playing airhockey and left my finger hanging over the side and it got owned =(, went to playdium and almost played for free but instead got a 1 hour unlimited play card - still gotta praise Him for giving us a free busride and that card tho =), aand softball! always happy playing softball

frosh =)

today was finally frosh connexion! it's exciting to be able to serve the new frosh... the feelings seem so similar and not so long ago when i was just a shy person at fellowship and hardly knew anybody, just like many of the frosh were today during campus time... shy and hesitant sometimes. and it's amazing that we are now brothers and sisters to these frosh, just as the upper years were to us. i just felt sooo much LOVE today among everyone and it was great =D and the event ran pretty smoothly in general and we had an awesome awesome turnout and it really is SO GOOD. and i hope that we don't take any of the glory but through everything glorify God in this event. i'm so happy to see the next generation =D i hope they will be a strong group together! and while it certainly is different not being the FROSH group anymore and getting freebies from the upper years hehe it's time to step down humbly and lift up the next group as the BABIES =D

the campus group time went pretty well i think! we had way more frosh than expected and our room wasn't that big haha and i hope the frosh enjoyed itttt.. we had a lot of talking to begin with but we got had some laughs and good sharings and played charades after but it's a bit difficult with soo many people! and then there was my very terrible i-suck-at-public-speaking sharing infront of eeeverybody T_T i don't know what to think about it... i was indeed very nervous and prayed very hard beforehand about it =S and i still said bajiiiliions of "um"s and i feel like that probably made my sharing a lot worse and a lot harder to understand and maybe my point didnt' really get through and it makes me feel like i failed.. like i did a very poor job when God gave me an opportunity to share and i sucked =( i feel that i shouldn't be thinking of it like that... i hope God is pleased with meee, that i tried to share... but i can't help but feel like it was so fail! cause i always really want to sharee about many things and now i have the opportunity to share about my experiences infront of soo many frosh and really make an impact. but i guess that impact is not up to meee. may the Spirit work in the frosh, God-willing ofcourse!

anyway helping plan/run FX was a great experience! met many people and saw God working =)

pause!

what i did today was PAUSE the frosh connexion planning of finding people, emailing people, notifying people, preparing things and just seek God. i almost got too caught up in preparing for the event and forgot to seek God for help in preparations, to pray to Him about the event and just to ask the Spirit to speak and work through me. All to glorify His name. As i was in this quieting down time, i read 1 Peter 4: 10 - 11

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."

This really reminded me to have a serving heart. that firstly, we serve God and in all things we seek to praise and glorify Him, and then secondly during frosh connexion we are there to serve the frosh! glad to be working with such a wonderful group of people who are so encouraging :D

waves of mercy, waves of grace...

... is my favourite line from one of the songs we are doing this year at vbc :) and i finally saw ts3 today :D and it was verrrry cute! aand the 2nd week of vbc has been going really well thus far but my mosquito bites are kiilling me! scratching much more and not just cause of eczema :P

anywaysss i guess i feel compelled to blog because i have a lot to think about... and here begins my vague blogging. i always thought i was doing "the right thing" and i really did try hard to do everything i could selflessly and whatever i thought was pleasing in God's eyes... but then i see other people doing it and it doesn't seem bad at all... i'm so confused about what is RIGHT anymore... and like people have talked to me about this before, in a loving way, but sometimes i feel lk i'm holding back a lot yet they are doing it themselves... and someone was like "i don't care what salina says" today... idunno if it was out of frustration from vbc or something.. but i thought that was kind of mean >_< it brings back memories of when people used to think it was okay to treat me like nobody becuase it was just a joke and they always told me to shut up...

today was also an interesting day... i got on the bus at finch station and i didn't know you had to get transfers in the station and that you can't ask for them on the bus... so then i was lk OH NOES and went to ask the bus driver for a transfer and he was kinda mean about it >_< and like "you are supposed to get them in the station unless you walked into the station without paying!" and i explained to him that i didn't know it worked that way but that i DID pay and he was like "well maybe you just walked straight into the station" and i felt so like... sad... T_T it felt like i was being accused of something that i didn't do wrong and i actually use adult tickets even though i could maybe get away with student ... but it was just such a misunderstanding cuase i didn't know so i was just like "okay.. well i didn't know, so it's okay nevermind.." and i felt lk crying T_T yes i'm soft! but in the end when i got off, i think he felt bad that he didn't give me a transfer so he gave me one... i wish there was someway i could tell him that i was very thankful and that i wasn't mad at him or anything for denying me a transfer before incase he thought that... lol

need more love!

well today was a goood start to the 2nd week of vbc and for the most part i already know the new kids joining the team so learning names is not a big deal, but i have a biig group of 16 kiddies! but anyway this day was pretty tiring since i did not get enough sleep yesterday night >_< and then it was rainy and i really did not want to play ultimate but then they said the game was a go anyway and despite wanting to go home and SLEEP, i figured i would enjoy it when i got there and i diiiid. it was nice running around. usually when i go play softball i don't do enough exercise so i feel i need to keep running around and expend all that energy but today it was GOOOD. i discovered how much i like running but only in the most carefree way haha but i was super pooped after that

anyways i think recently i've struggled a lot with seeing people going through something i went through in highschool... i think back now and it was sooo stupid and so wrong and so self-seeking... but thankfully i saw it as me just wanting to glorify myself and doing it for selfish reasons i tried very very hard to change my ways and it's been a really tough journey thus far.. and i guess when i see highschool people going through the same thing now, i get really upset because no one can see that it's wrong.. and many otehr complex issues play in haha but i think i should learn to first approach these people with love! and not assume or judge them but instead to help them in a loving way? >< haiii love love loooove

old faces

this weekend has been pretty fun thus far! i guess the worst of that storm is overrr. thank you God! i still got a looot of learning to do :D
but vbc has been really great! most of the volunteers are younger than me but i've been able to talk to many of them more and on friday, got to hang out with them before fellowship. fellowship was also very insightful i thought and i know before i always found it difficult to be interested in many things they talked about but i'm really enjoying Bible studies at josiah after i helped co-lead one. i guess realizing how they are prepared really gave me new insight to how i can get the most out of a Bible study =D yay! so i learnt a looot from that and got to know more people better :D
then saturday was an umping day and though i think i was a REALLY TERRIBLE UMP. sorry both teams for noob calls and not knowing rules well enough, i think it was a pretty good game! probably more fun because it was nice seeing many people today on sanctified, though i don't really talk to many of them much, it's nice seeing people again. also many waterloo "froshies" since we are not frosh anymore =( were present! so it was siiiick times :D
and went to eat pho after with teammates and we talked about the awards that each person would get. i don't really like mine but =\ oh wells hahah they are just for fun anyway! and went back to goldhawk and sanctified still there so talked a biiit/watched them ball and i played softball with jo! it was a veryyy good practice haha even though it was 2 people but i guess i got to work on stuff that i wanted to work on and i just had such an itch to play softball after watching people play!
so more games to ump tomorrow.. i think i suck but hopefully it will be aites!

rough morning

anyways so after a pretty rough night i wake up and get ready for vbc and i'm totally ready and going to make it on time for morning devos and then my dad drives me to the bus stop and just in time to make it to the bus! it says "not in service" but people get on anyway and sometimes the one that takes me to finch says that so i get on thinking i'm GOOD TO GO. and then the bus TURNS AND GOES TO THE GO TRAIN STATION.... aldjf this was most definitely frustrating after a bad night so i had to walk all the way back to bayview.

i know this really sounds like a bad start to a post and it sounds like i'm complaining and at the time i really just felt like crying because things seemed so difficult T_T but i'm glad God has shown me enough times not to despair and i'm happy that i never get to the point where i blame God for anything or question Him. i kept telling myself to trust in Him and even though i felt pain emotionally that He will pull me out from this one. i always thought that like to fully trust in God meant that you had to be happy and not sad at all. but i don't think that's really what it means anymore.. becuase i think many things will still make you sad but it's joy in the Lord that shall give us strength :D anddd guess what bus was waiting for me when i got to bayview? the bayview EXPRESS! so i got to finch faster than usual though definitely not able to make it in time for the devo =( and vbc actually took my mind off those things and i have an interesting bunch of kids and hopefully God will work in vbc! so i should def be asleep now -_-"

unrelated song :D

run

i really like to run away from my problems.. i really never like to think about things that make me upset because i wish they would just be okay! or that i had never thought of them at all. and i think that's stupid but i can't really help it >_<

i can't say i really know what God is trying to show me right now but it's always like that isn't it... i will really try to trust Him even though it's kind of tough right now. i guess today was just a bad day for that area in my life =S maybe this will be another one of those "why did you even worry!" kind of things. i wanna just curl up in my bed and talk to God forevar. but i have to wake up for vbc.. hope this doesn't detract from me serving to the best of my ability at vbc... well God's plan is perfectttt so this all happening today must be for something.. i need more faith!

softball devos

i really learn so much from my own devos I give after home games. i feel lk God has been proving and showing Himself in a way that very much relates to the devos i give. as well he's also teaching me so much and putting my through trials that challenge me to live out the things i try to show others in my devos. it's reallly amazing and i see God working in sooo many ways through so many people this summer and i'm so JOYOUS. i really am feeling so much joy =D

but i definitely do have many trials of my own still. i wish i could stop being so selfish and be mooore loving and esp encouraging the people around me to grow in their faith and to lead a God glorifying life. but all in God's will! i must definitely pray more. one really big thing the missionary book talks about is the importance of prayer. really humans do so little... most things are really done by God, we just don't know it! so PRAAAYYY sometimes there's really only so little we can do.

my wall!

what wall? no, not my fb wall. i mean the wall that i think i put up quite successfully sometimes. i think i've really been growing in God this summer and i feel like i've been finding joy in more and more things than i have before and those moments are so great for me! I'm trying very hard to serve in humility and to strengthen the people around me. but sometimes i think that i have these times of just... frustration. i feel displeased with myself.. and this is when i start to get vague =P

well there's always softball and i think i struggle more with this than i let on. i wanna do the best for God and to build up a team that glorifies Him and not OUR TEAM. lets just say we DO somehow WIN the championship what will that bring us but joy that may only last til the end of summer but God is forever and eternal. we should always do things that show that HE is great not us. and i wish i could say to God that i am doing all i can do to help this team but somehow i always feel lk i could do more. and then there's trying to encourage friends in their faith as well as their troubles and you know i wish i could help them and be there for them and ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE but sometimes i just don't know what to say. and sometimes i even question if i'm doing the right thing becuase it just doesn't seem to be GOOD, people seem to be unhappy but i thought i was doing this because it was the best thing to do. and there's def a lot more things i don't tell people but i think about a lot.

but one thing that God has been teaching me this summer that it's not just UP TO ME and what i can do. it's what GOD IS DOING and CAN DO (which is ANYTHING!)through us and IN us/other people. God is just...AMAZING :D and i feel lk sometimes we beat ourselves up over a lot of things that we've done that we regret or turned out not as we wanted but this song i heard at Wildfire really reminded me that sometimes we are so caught up in all these regrets that we have or what we did and we forget WHAT JESUS HAS ALREADY DONE. because of Jesus we can be forgiven of our past sins! this is the song :)

lyrics include:
you are more than the choices that you've made
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes
you are more than the problems you create, you've been remade

cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you
this is not about where you've been
but where your brokenness brings you to

anyways was just doing some thinking =P and wanted to blog bout it. and was very happy to see some ccf people/friends at wildfire and ate DELICIOUS WINGS with them at hollywood at pmall ^^

summmawr!

i may have told some people but i was going to go on a STM to china to teach english in the summer but in the end that got cancelled and i was ... quite disappointed because i really wanted to serve God in China because i felt like i had a passion for that. but i trusted that God would use me in another way and surely he closed that door but he will open a new one for me elsewhere :) and SURELY HE DID!

i think God is teaching me a lot this summer just through preparing for devos i'm learning so many of the lessons myself that i'm sharing with others. through trying to be a good governor to my softball team i'm learning a lot about what it means to put Jesus first. and trying to be a big sister as well to "kids" younger than me really pushes me to develop my own relationship with God so i can be a good example to them. and God has blessed me with so many opportunities to learn more about Him, about how to serve and i really really hope that i take everything i can away from this summer and not lose it in university.

i feel like i should mention one of the most affecting events that happened to me in China since i feel like i shared nothing about my China trip on my blog. i signed up for a sea turtle conservation/mandarin learning program because the missions trip got cancelled. when i got there i found out the "leader" of the program was an atheist and he believed strongly in science, conspiracies and power hungry people being evil and part of that meant people who claim to be Christians. he was also very well researched. when he found out that i was a Christian and that i believed in God he got pretty... heated up i guess becuase he was so shocked because he believed that i was "smarter than that"... i have really never ever been faced with such criticism for my belief but i tried to be loving towards him and i agreed with some things that he said about people being abusive with power but i tried to get the point across that the bad actions of people should not reflect on who God was. i only got to talk to him twice about Christianity i guess though he dominated the conversation mostly with conspiracy theories and stuff.... but one thing i tried to challenge him about was "what is love?" because i think science might give you some answer about... molecules or chemical reactions but if anyone has felt love... it is definitely more powerful than just that. :) and i also got to share my faith with anotehr "leader" of the program. he was a lot more respectful but his belief was that nothing should be done in life unless it goes towards benefitting a purpose and for him his purpose was helping the sea turtles and he said that social events are pointless unless it's for a purpose so it made me think if he was just.. being my friend for the sake of the turtles... and not really because he cares about me? well anyway i got to share my purpose in life and about my faith and what i believed in and i think... i did a bad job =( but it's not about always about what how good we did it but just that we did it. and hopefully the spirit will work in their hearts :) so in the end God gave me an opportunity to serve in China anyways. GOD IS AMAZINGGG

burdens

idunno how to start but my spirits are so low right now. as in i feel very distraught... it's been great getting to see a brother in Christ again esp after asia and uni and tonight he finally opened up a bit more. before i only got to see the surface of his pain... and i felt really heartbroken >_< because i felt that i could not help him carry his burden because the encouragement that i gave him, was i think something that he dind't really want to hear or i could not be sympathetic to him and maybe he thought that i was lecturing him or judging him...

ahhhh well anyways it's not always about what i can do for him because somethings just have to be healed and taken care of by God.. blah i wish there was more i could do for him...

but this has been an interesting weekend.... and i just feel like i want to rest in God's presence for all eternity nowwww because things have been difficult but i know it's no good to just run ...

back in toronto!

i have been reaaally lazy with the blogging recently >__< there's just so much stuff that has happened and i feel too tired to type it all out or .. prob just lazy. and it's also 1 am now and i feel so tiredddd T_T i remmeber the times when i couldn't even sleep at 1 am haha but i def learnt a loooot from my trip in asia and now i'm back and not ready for the softball season! skills-wise anyway :) but i hope i can help lead the team well and really be a big sister to all the young kids on my team. relatively young anyway haha so i feel so old!

anyway haven't really done much... wathced despicable me! it was quite funny haha but i don't think it was as good as UP! i expect toy story 3 to be better than despicable me cause i think it was just mostly humour and not much else cause it had a predictable story line/wasn't that deep lol and a lot of the funny moments were in the trailer >_< but it's still cuuuute!

and now i have a tummy ache =( so i'm going to sleeep

yay blogging!

well i am finally back from china but i'm not in the mood to blog about anything except that i must blog just because i CAN :D blogger is no longer BLOCKED. goood times :D anyways i'm glad to be back in hk. china was a little bit frustrating with the language barrier but it had a lot of ups but also a lot of downs.... but interesting =D too tired to blog anymore!

off to the mainland

the last few days before my trip to china have been great! i got to spend a lot of time with friends and forgot to prepare better for my trip so that part was sorta rushed =P ended up balling in the rain with some ccfers and even went swimming in a POOL with joses and christine at christine's very ballin' place! i won't get to see jenny and joses when i get back boooo but it was veryyy fun while it lasted :)

anyways i'm OFF TO CHINA. for 26 days!!! i'm actually really scared. i was supposed to take a bus directly to the airport but then now i have to follow my uncle who very wonderfully took me in last minute at his place so we can wake up super early tomorrow and taxi/train/taxi there! it will be an epic journey... i can feel it! i reaaally do pray that God will keep me safe >_< i just don't want to get lost and like dunno what to do but i TRUST HIM FULLY. even if i get lost or am troubled or wahtever happens He's there! so nothing to worry bout =D

aaand i get to see my parents again! it's been sooo long so i'm excited =D and i've nver been to chinaaaa. and i won't be able to blog for awhile haha. byebye blooog for now!

hk #12

ahh thank God for brothers and sisters in Christ! =) today i woke up preeetty early to get to church since jenny and i were going to go to ubc together (referred to by joses) so we decided to meet at 845am but instead we were both late haha but it's okay! jenny was smart and set an early time knowing we'd both be late XD

anyways we had quite an exercise-ful morning trying to find ubc. we asked so many security guards where the church was but they led us to anotehr english speaking one which was not ubc so we walked around the wrong part of campus for quite awhile and we got quite sweaty haha in the end someone drew us a map to where ubc really is but we were so late after getting lost so we went to kibc's english service instead. after that finished we decided to finish our mission in finding ubc and we MADE IT after asking another security guard XD we felt like detectives collecting clues...

we were early at ubc for their canto-mando service so we sat around. the lady who welcomed us was so nice and talked to us a bit =) and we sat in the second row so we could read the powerpoint lyrics cause i have bad eyes >_< but it was gooood cause God prepared a meeting between us and the pastor who was so friendly to us too! and he had english and was very helpful linguistically and just being welcomingggg. i think that was one of the most heartwarming things about this church.. that so many people came to shake our hands and say hi after the service when we had to announce our names to the whole church =P

anyway what i reaaally liked about the service/church as well was how the pastor's message was really oriented towards like... hong kong people. like he was talking about how hkers tend to think about themselves and just care about getting rich and stuff and i thought that was really important to kinda.. acknowledge that especially in hk where that is so apparent. and he had a story about a fox (i think it was a fox) who was passing by a grape? yard and he saw them and they looked super good so he wanted some. but to pass into the grapeyard you had to be able to fit through a fence which had very narrow gaps. so what he did was he starved himself for awhile til he was skinny enough and he entered and ate to his heart's content. when he was finally done with the eating he tried to leave and found that he couldn't cause he was too fat! so in order to get out he had to starve himself again until he got skinny enough to leave. the pastor then related it to US! we're like the fox and the grapeyard is like the world. we go into this world with nothing and we take in all the "good" things this world has to offer but in the end, we will leave this world as we came in, with nothing. i thought this was completely.. wowing. the story really gave a really good illustration. the things of this world.. are... well, worldy! they don't last but God is eternal =) gotta set that straight in my life! he had a lot of stories but it was all good. i really liked his sermon!

then after we discovered that joses was at church! we all walked back to the subway and sent jenny home and joses and i grabbed lunch and i myself headed home to take a nap. i wanted to help my cousin move! but i couldn't contact my other cousin in time so i just went homeee. i finally got to offer my seat to a old person today. i esp like to offer it to old people cause thye are so cute! lol i am always scared to offer it to people who seem lk they are getting old but not really old yet becuase they will be offended that i think they are old XD and at night went out to dinner with irene, wendy, janita and ariel! ariel brought us to such a nice place! it was so goood and classy =) and had a fun fun time with them ^^

anyways~ what a blessed day! i had a really good morning with jenny haha we laughed so much at a lot of random stuff like how we couldn't read chinese words and our epic fail of finding ubc haha and took irene on the tram for her first time! thanks joses for going to lunch with me since i dind't have anyone to eat with =P anyways what i'm saaaying is God has blessed me with a lot of brothers and sisters in hk and i've had a really really great time getting to know them better :) leaving in two days for china and i won't be able to go to church there =( so gotta be diligent wiht my devos!

hk #11

oh gee i had such an exciting and accomplishing day today! so crazy that i can hardly type =P i started off the day by going to the central piers and taking a wonderful morning trip on the star ferry to tst and seeing polly before she leaves! hope she is having a safe flight now =) and thanks so much for her coupons and simcard!

then i headed off to meet sam and richard to get to saikung piers to go yachting. there were a lot of new people but i guess i was more focused on the water sports! so exciting ^^ we did banana boating and the two boys one girl combo lasted pretty good since sam and ray did most of the work XD and i learnt to climb back on the banana pretty well! soo exciting! and then there was also wakeboarding =O i was sooo scared but in the end it was totally worth it ^^ i only got up and was like really wakeboarding two times but it was a good run =D but after i was done i could hardly move my hands cause my forearms were soo tense. the speedboat also got checked by the police XD but it was okay!

also met some dude named edwin who just graduated from waterloo for planning. i tried to talk to him more about random stuffs and planning but i dont think he really liked me LOL so sad.. and jasmine who planned the trip also came from loo! but they both study in hk now. and there were some more people but i didn't get to talk to them really =S i guess it's lk intimidated and age difference. although apparently everyone thinks i'm their age >_< but i feel lk at this age everoyne looks about the saaaame =P anyways it was a goood day. good thing God kept us safe =D even though we got some battle scars from the banana boat. thanks sam/ray for the invite! totally worth the experience.

on the way back it rained too so the ocean and the mountains looked SUPER epic. and i love feeling the rain hitting me and the wind and stuff. SO GOOD. isn't God cool =P sometimes i look at storms and it's lk WOW God is so powerful that it's BEAUTIFUL.

hk #10!!!

oh myyyy i am so burnt! yesterday we spent a big long day at the beach with more ccf peeps ^^ it was a super long day but very fun =D we started out at the beach where we played some beach volleyball! i was terribly noob... but i think i did get a biiiit better! but i think it totally fried me and my feet cause my feet could not walk on the sand after that without much pain >_< but we headed to the water so it felt a looot better and we rented a blow-up boat thing so we could paddle out to the platform for noobs lk meee =) and all this time i'm getting owned by the sun T_T BUT it was fun swimming around and making jokes with people and what not. we also played vball with two random guys and sam brought his friend too so met some peoples today ^^

we then went to stanley to eat and the place we went to had super little food.. so we went to mcdonalds after. i should've gotten a sundaeeeee but oh well. and we went off to wanchai piers! ANYWAY dang i'm so tired and sunburnt =( shoulders hurt to move! but going out again today to go yachting! super duper excited ^^

hk #9

today was pretty fun =) I TOOK THE SIU BA and i was so scared cause it was my first time taking that route on my own and it keeps turning and stuff and i have NOOO idea where i am but someone told me where it was and then i told the bus driver =D and even though i'm so proud of myself for being able to take the bus and to announce to everyone i want to get off at ___ stop i'm sure i looked like a huge noob!

anyways walked around with some ccfers including MICHAEL. first time seeing him in hk =) and looked at shoes/watches. found some really cheap watch place O_o i hope it's not fake... yuup then we all went home and i waited so long for the bus. longest time i've ever waited! and went home and my biew gor made some congee and fried noodles stuff. quite yummy! and i went ball with tom near my place! it was pretty awesomes!!! i feel like i haven't done much exercise in awhile so it felt GREAT and the people were pretty nice there although at first it was suuuper scary to even step on the court. and there's soooo many doggies that meet there with their owners. SO CUTE!

i also saw a rat for the first time O_o it was kinda startling at first but i'm not really scared of rats so it was okay.. and i wanted to eat mcdonalds after but i realized i just did exercise and eating mcds might defeat that purpose. haha

i'm getting excited to go to china! sounds like a big adventure though a bit scary =) and sad i'm leaving hk! but i'll see everyone again so it'll be goooood!

hk #8

i'm really picking up the blogging pace! i feel like i'm beginning to count down the days.. i only have 6 more days technically in hong kong until i head off to china so i hope i get to chill with people. it's really different not having parents here because i don't have any plans during the day unless i plan things with friends so when i don't have plans with friends i have nothing to do whereas with parents here i'd just accompany them places haha i doo miss my parents! i hope i don't have any trouble finding them at beijing airport. God please keep me safe on my little adventure!

tonight my heart feels so heavy... i had dinner with wendy, irene, and gladys and we had some VERY good talking time. i really appreciate your sharings and just saying the things that were said out of love =) i really missed you guys while i was in loo! but the things we talked about really made me think about a lot of other things... this really is all very difficult!! there's so many things to consider and like i've been trying hard too and IDUNNOO.. kept thinking about it during the entire bus ride home and even went straight to the harbour to have some quiet thinking time and i just feel frustrated and upset. i know i used "things" quite often and that it's suuuuper vague >_< but i cant lk saaay it. anyway .. i feel so uneasy right now. it's like i don't know where to go from here O_o i don't want to do anything sinful or cause others pain or to sin but like what is the proper way to love them then. it's like either way is a loss or something... i guess it really doesn't help that i can't talk to anyone here in hong kong and in a sense i do feel very lonely in hong kong... i don't have anyone to go to exactly cause people have other plans as well... and because msn is ... not good enough to talk about these things and to tell people how i feel or whatever. i wish i could call someone up and invite them out right but i guess right now in hk i don't have anyone to call >_<

buuuut i guess that's because i'm a noob and forgetting that God is here to talk things through with me too. actually i was at the harbour the other day thinking about/doing devos and i read 2corinthians 1:9 which says that "this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead". i need to praaay more and seek his guidance =( i honestly feel so lost sorta...

ALSO i know i sound really emo but i'm just confused and frustrated and feeling very... not "awn lok" :S yeahhh need more sea-side sitting and thinking! except now i'm scared by that indian dude! and thank you girls for talking to me about it. i need to face this!

hk #7

well today is one of those slower days and i get a lot more time to think about things. but i really like these days and i feel so at home sometimes on these slower days =) it's awesome to have times like yesterday where you have so much fun that you're super tired but at the same time it's great to have these days where i can slow down and take things in easily without the rush of everything going on.

i think i'm going to go near the water again today =) central piers? i actually really just want to go bus to the beach again but that's prob...not the best idea right now. i absolutely love the sea-side feeling!! it's strange =D i hope people don't think i'm emo or something. but i feel lk there's so much stuff in my heart now that i need to ... let it out =) in a good way tho! give things up to God and work on those devos!!

i am really happy today. someone i haven't talked to for a veeery long time because i'm scared he's upset at me because he's bad at replying on msn and playing games (lol) messaged me and said that we should catch up and i'm so happy to hear that from him because i very much missed him and hope he is doing well! and i'm talking more to another friend of mine more who i also didn't talk to for a very long time. i think it's because he was also upset at me O_o wow ... gg i suck lol but yesss thank goodness because through God's love these bad feelings can be overcome! ugh i think back on so many of these friends that i used to have and i'm so upset at myself for how things turned out. it's not that it was always my fault per say but i am disappointed that i could not reconcile these broken relationships and i had to lose such good people... but i know God is still watching over them! so =) hope they are doing well...

well that was kinda.. not what i intended to blog about but i guess it came out haha now you know a bit more about my deepest darkest secrets... dumdumdum

hk #6

todaaay i met up with wendy, irene and joses to go to "sum sui wan" to go to the beach! they are all very fun people to be around so today was AWESOME times haha i wish i was a better swimmer now with better endurance so i can swim to those platforms that float on the water but i was too scared of drowning and being embarassed =( so stayed on the shallow end, took some funny pictures, helped irene look for seashells ^_^ and i don't think i got burnt. HOORAY! then we bussed back to causeway bay but missed our stop >_< lol so we went to fortress hill area and just ate. joses had to go to an apple party O_o lol so the GIRLS went to causeway bay and took sticky pics!! and shopped a bit. went to zara!!! and saw some cute clothes but didnt' fit me =( and then we all went home. seeing them again on wednesday =) i missed chilling with them while i was in waterloo!! thank God for such wonderful people in my life =D

anyways i want to put more time and thought into governing for softball! i want to do a good job for God and serve Him to my fullest ability by putting time and effort to do GOOD WORK! thinking how to prepare devos and to show love to other teams =)

hk #5

just blogging a bit before i head off to church this morning. i got to hang out with gladys, irene, and wendy yesterday =D we walked around a lot haha and poor wendy's shoes were rubbing against the back of her heel T_T but then we just went to a little cafe and ordered some drinks and had jokes talking time ^^ it was very refreshing to hang out with a bunch of girls !! and tommyk has also arrived in hk just yesterday night and he lives near sheung wan so he's pretty close to me so i think we plan to eat mcdonalds at night and stuff =D yayyy finally someone will hang out with me in the evening lol so i'm excited for these new friends who have just come to hk and i look forward to hanging with them in my last bit here before china!

as well yesterday i went for a walk around my neighbourhood to try to go to the harbour area since i live pretty close. after getting a bit confused and jaywalking =S i finally found it! except it was weird becuase i was there on my own lol but it was AWESOME. even though the view was not as nice as from the tst side it's maybe that feeling of being by the sea... it's so refreshing and calming! and the breeze is wonderful =P yah then i went home after awhile... yet again could not capture how great it was...

hk #4

wow i am blogging a LOT recently haha anyways after that trip the harbour recently i discovered just how peaceful it is there! those feelings that i felt when i went 2 years ago are back! it's just sooo nice to like ... look at the night scenery and stuff and it's so like calming and just listening to music there would be sooo calming so i want to go again =D and yesss even by myself even though that's kind of lonely and stuff but i mean it's always good to have quiet time! i just dont' want to stay out too late because if i come back late the stairs up to my place will be infest with cockroaches =( i feel lk tonight would have been a good night to go but i did nooot... anyways wanna make the most of hk this last 1.5 weeks while everyone is still here!

hk#3 !

wow blogging so soon after my previous one! well anyways it'll prob be a quick one but i just showered so i can't go to sleep cause my hair is wet...
but today i had a wonderful day with ccfers at ocean park/dinner/arcade. it was really interesting day and full of many laughs and feeling a little sick after a ride =\ but YAH i'm so glad esther and michelle came to ocean park. i have so many random laughs with them about like... random stuff. two wonderful people !! and the guys were mainly the upper years but it was fun because i don't really know them as well and it gave me an opportunity to talk to them more and get to know them since i didn't get to during the school year =S we met up pretty early (for me) to bus to ocean park and we went to watch the dolphin show. OMG I WANT TO SWIM WITH DOLPHINS.. they are so cute ^^ and we were super close the sea lions <3 mm we went on roller coasters and rides and stuff and we went on this swing then and i got so dizzy and felt a bit sick and then everyone was lk ARE YOU OKAY cuase apparnetly i got super pale? >_< I"M A NOOOB NOW. then we went back to admiralty and met up with sanders to eat dinner and had a nice anime chat at dinner ahah
then some of us went to the arcade and joses beat me in everything T_T how sad. though the racing was CLOSE. and played taiko drum master and they had the OP or CLOSING for CODE GEASS as one of the songs XD it was a major highlight. i was well pleased ^__^ and after went to the harbour and it's BEAOOOOTIFUL. so.. peaceful. i just wanna like sit there for awhile and think about EVERYTHING. also saw lk.. some naked person? O_o it was weird .. i didn't see anything reaaally but it was still lk WAT IS GOING ONN!?!?1 lol kinda wierd but had icecream too ^_^ overall it was a very fun day but now i'm soo tired. i'm kinda sad it's lk already the 21st of may which means i have around 10 more days in my month in hk. i do come back in july but some of that time will hopefully be in singapore!! :D so exciting. but i will definitely miss this place. i feel lk i should've done more but i think i did end up doing quite a lot. i think it doesn't feel lk it because of lack of pictures but it has been an AMAZING trip thus far. and i have GOD to thank for blessing me with parents who let me go and paaaay for everything, friends to hang out with =D, and SAFETYYY being all by myself and all :) thank you thank you thank YOUUU!

hk #2

finally second post. i'm always too lazy or tired to write about everything cause usually a lot goes on but i'm too tired to talk about what i did day by day.

anyways if anyone cares for an update =P i've just been going out with mostly ccf people and on the days that i don't have plans i do a solo shopping day and buy stuff =) slowly checking off my list but no hitops still! =(

so far i've gone to church twice (i.e. on sundays) here in hong kong and both times i've been to the vine. i guess it's easy to get caught up in a vacation to forget about devos or find time to slow down especially in such a fast-paced city like hong kong so sundays really kinda brought me "back down to earth" in a sense. the first sunday really brought me to tears even before the service began >_< they played a video about the need for God in hk and a lot of it showed the poverty and the hard work of the people idunno made me so sad =( and i really do pray that God will work miracles here! the vine is actually expanding and they are even moving to a new location becuase their current one is too small :D so yaaay growing numbers. the second week i went with michelle =D and this time it made me cry because the speaker was talking a lot about fatherly love. and he gave an illustration with his daughter.. saying that although she may wrong him or disobey him or even yell to him taht she doens't love her but regardless of that he will always still love her. that he would never turn her back on her because she did to him. and that's just humanly fatherly love ... we cannot even fathom a GODLY fatherly love and how ..GREAT how WIDE it is haha i can't even find words to describe that it is really indescribable! but yah it really made me think about friends and just personal relations with other people that i get really discouraged when i feel like they don't "love" me or they dont' care about me.. but i shouldn't just be like okay you don't like me so i give up .. NEVAR that's not really love..la~ (hk haha)so yaaay

also had good dinner with kristina and michelle! talked about family and hong kong stuff .. interesting sharings =D aaah i love hong kong i'm going to miss it a looot. it's prob my favourite city. today it rained quite hard at one point and then when i got home and looked out the window it still looks BEAUUUTIFUL. esp the sea+boats and i love the warmth =D but i dooo miss toronto.. more for the people though. got a lot on my mind though, so i hope i can lift those things into God's hands and have faith that He can take care of it :D

hk#1

WELL i guess i'm finally getting around to posting about hk adventure. first of all though. i must give some props to pilots (i was thinking about josh and his aviation friends!) because it seems really scary to fly a plane. especially one with a lot of people on board. the pressure alone would kill me! the flight was so turbulent at some points and the girl behind me was so scared =( buuut as you now see we have landed and the landing was so smooth!

um so far i haven't been doing much. i came two years ago so i hardly feel excited and also i haven't been taking many pictures surprisingly! pretty much only 1 since landing... but i guess cause i've seen a lot of the things before and i want to kind of take in the beauty and not be caught up in capturing it because there's.. really no way to capture it except for just being in the moment? :P but yeah i've gone shopping a bit (with manika and amy!) and had frosh chillage already. and seen esther and judith as well =D so it's okaay i guess i'm feeling more like a regular hong kong person this time rather than a tourist lol but i still have really bad chinese...

anyways i'm glad in hk there's no shame of eating by yourself.. so i ate by myself XD at dai ga lok and it was very yummy. it gave me a really good time to reflect on my time so far. there were these old ladies there that just walked around waiting to collect your tray and your bowl and everything and ... i felt SO BAD.. cause they're old right so it must be extra tiring to be walking around the whole place waiting for people to finish and it must be realllly tiring and i wanted to express how thankful i was that they were doing what they were doing but all i could say was "mm goy sai" >__< which totally doesn't convey how thankful i am and i want them to feel appreciated!! anyways that's what got me thinking about hk.. i found out today that people get paid really little here (like i mean menial jobs not those business people) and so i think christine was saying how like all the clothes seem super cheap for us because we're pretty well off and stuff but for them those cheap shirts are actually kinda normal? idunnooo i know i don't know the whole picture... but it's so sad >_< like someone else was saying how all hong kong people care about are getting rich but i mean that's because in toronto .. being well off is kind of standard for MOST people. like most poeple are okay and can splurge every now and then like your middle class family? so we don't really think bout money so much.. but i think in hong kong it's very different.. not saying everyone is poor but many people who are deemed middle class might be on the lower end of our middle class standard? I'M NOT REALLY SURE. but i know my heart really broke when i saw a popo selling something on the side of the street (some food i have nooo idea) and like we all just walk past her and she's just like yelling out asking if anyone wants to buy some... it's so sad i suppose because she's so old and she's prob been doing stuff like this her entire life just trying to make a living and still when she's old. so i really hope that she has good business >_< and we went to "ladies street" today and like how some people are trying so hard to get people to buy things... idunno how poor these people are but like they seem to have lost all shame of holding on to people and offering lower prices and trying to convince them to buy it... and like i don't even want to bargain any more >_< because what is a few dollars more for me would be a lot for them >_< and it's already cheaper than what i would normally get anyway. and so often we look down on these people because it's so shameful or they are so annoying or something but i mean the culture is very different but we shouldn't look down on them because their work is so difficult too. and like AHHH they hold money sooo highly. and sometimes it's hard to blame them because i see people work on the street right.. like so much menial work.. mostly moving/lugging heavy things .. these people work SO HARD for their money and so many people don't get to..retire... they need to do it. and sometimes i see old people doing it and i wish i could help them carry things but i suck and i don't know how to approach them. i wish they could see that money isn't everything but that's really hard to show to someone who sees that money will bring an end to this hard life? idunno maybe i see this esp because i live with my guma who isn't very well off and i recently found out my dad has been trying to lend her money but she said she doesn't want to take it.

i hope God is able to work through me while i'm here in hong kong during may to serve these people, to lessen their burdens, to just show some more love in a city which feels like everyone seems so untrustful of others and so ... pessismistic? living for themselves? i'm not sure how to describe in one word the way people seem to view others here... or what i've sseen so far anyway

yah anyway that's what i've been thinking about recently :) kinda a long and messy blurb but i felt very convicted today and reminded to be humble and not look down on these people but to try to understand them and the culture and also to love!

touch down

had a really long flight.. stuck in the window seat. only left seat once. verrry tired now. i was thinking a lot of things but now i've forgotten them all >_< i guess this means i'm sleeping early today haha

home is where the heart is...

in about 2/3 hours i'm going to be heading to the airport off to wonderful wonderful hong kong. and i looove to travel and i think hongkong is a pretty darn awesome place to visit and i'm SOO excited. but maybe the one biggest irony to my love of travelling/exploring is that when i'm about to leave i get so nostalgic and sad..
this is my longest vacation so far. spanning 2 months and 10 days it's quite a long time away from my little "abode" in toronto. while i absolutely love hong kong.. i feel like i will def miss this house, the streets here, the plazas haha but most of all definitely it's the people... i'll be away from my parents for a month before meeting them in beijing and then apart again for another couple weeks before i come back. and while i'll be able to see many of my friends in hong kong because many are going (yay!) i'll definitely miss people in toronto as well.
this very much reminds me of the time when i was in grade 8/9 and our school holds a camp thing specifically for my grade and stuff. and then my dad drove me and my mom down early in the morning cause the bus left at like 8am and we dropped my mom off at work and i started crying in the back of the car XD i find that pretty funny cause i'm such a crybaby ahah in grade NINE. how sad ahah but .. i guess this part of me hasn't changed much 5 years later!

so much to be thankful for!

i'm thinking more and more often to open my blog up now.. maybe because i now realize how much i have to be thankful for and how much praise i owe to God that i just want to POST IT AND LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW the great things he has done for me. so THANK YOU GOD first and foremost.

anyway it's been a great break thus far. this school year i've been trying to be a more loving person and i think God has always been calling me to show my family that i love them more but because my family is kinda awkward sometimes it has always stopped me... BUT i decided that if i really say that i love God than He is above ALL THINGS, including awkwardness! so i've been trying to not be so temperamental (?) and to just show my appreciation for the things they do.

THEN there's showing love to my friends. i think sometimes it's easy to show love to people you don't really know but to people you know more about, especially their flaws, it's much more difficult. it's been a tough journey i suppose because university kind of caused a falling out in a sense with some of my highschool friends.. the distance, not being on msn, just not talking and seeing each other as much. i guess that made it difficult to love and it was also frustrating to see relationships die... buuuut STILL gotta love! this means a loot of humility and trying to not see people for their flaws!

HUMILITY that was an important lesson.. humbling myself. i was sharing with josh about this and i guess i never really talk about this much but i don't want to be too obnoxious sometimes i guess. i don't want to make people feel left out because i'm being too attention-seeking and i need to humble myself so i don't seek self-glory but rather to bring glory to GOD! and to do things not to seek praise from others, not to be acknowledged but to know that God is pleased with what i'm doing even if no one else does. it's always really difficult to put God on that throne in our lives but it's SOO important so gotta keep at it :)

AND THEN LASTLY i was looking through some old things.. like letters and whatever while i was unpacking and i read some and i really really miss these two people whose letter i read.. esp since i was thinking about summer and hanging out like last summer! i realized i really love these two people and wish for the BEST for them and i hope God is still a priority in their lives :) it's really unfortunate i don't talk to one of them anymore because of how things turned out =S BUT THE OTHER ONE i wrote a letter to... hopefully it was encouraging and not ... annoying. =)

this is suuuch a long post but i feel like i just need to get out everything i'm so thankful for. CCF!!! even though i'm not super tight with eeeveryone or really know anyone super well.. these people are SOO encouraging and so loving. i'm dumb and didn't appreciate these people as much as i could've. i guess like i went to western and met some people at church and they weren't very welcoming and i just felt like..super awkward the whole time :\ and this is NOT hating on western >_< but like i love how even just in frosh cell we try to connect with EVERYONE and yes. thanks to all the froshies mostly (just cause i got to know you guys more than upper years) for being wonderful God-driven people. i feel like i actually see and feel and KNOW your love for God. and it's affected me too =)

KAY i shall end it here. visiting my highschool tomorrow and seeing my buddy =)

school is over, adventures..begin!

yaay i finally finished my first year of university ahah and i don't feel any more special or anything but it is a nice relief to be off from school and knowing there's no assignments or tests coming up haha. for the most part my exams went by fairly smoothly. i don't think i flunked any ^^

anyways to begin my summer travels i am at western for the weekend. i think i really like travelling.. the feeling of going somewhere new or being somewhere different and like discovering new things is very.. appealing? aha maybe that is why i liked kino's journey! anyway getting on the greyhound was exciting. felt like i was beginning a journey ahah i was so scared from that greyhound incident awhile back and the guy behind me kept pushing into my chair and putting his hand so forward i could see it.. so scared. but josh said something before i got on the bus, along the lines of "God will protect you" so i just kept thinking that and so i slept peacefully ahha until i got to stratford, hometown of canadian super start justin bieber =P and i saw a skate park ahah very justin bieber-esque. and then passed by st. marys and saw a salina street and a very pretty river. so now i caaannoooot wait til hong kong. and when i got to western janice had to study so at first i guess i got a little bored and like sad i guess but i realized i'm really more of a burden on audriana and janice coming a day earlier than i was supposed to so i just played some zelda spirit tracks XD but it's nice to hear audriana calling me "salsal" again ahah i haven't heard that in awhile and just seeing kevin again and just him taking some time out of his busy studying to chat a bit. audriana also gave me a nice tour of campus and we just talked and catched up a bit so it was nice since i haven't been talking to her much but i feel like we are people that can just talk even if we've been apart for awhile.
yah that's about all my adventures for now. can't wait for all you can eat sushi!

travelin'

i realized that i'm someone that realllly likes to travel! there's just something so exciting and exhilirating about going to somewhere new and observing the physical space and the culture. thinking about hk, china and singapore puts a huge smile on my face haha. i'm very fortunate to be able to afford this trip and to have parents that allow me to travel alone like this. i hope in the future i have the ability to travel arounddd.

this post is very not deep

i really like code geass.... i totally shouldn't be watching during exams but i stayed up til 5am yesterday half studying but mostly watching episodes with a 9am exam in the morning... but it went okay ahaha and my cousin was up and he asked me if i had watched gundam unicorn ahah and we talk in chinese.. me with my terrible chinese but he never says anything cause he doesn't want to be mean and i'm typing chinese only because his english isn't good either but it was nice to talk to him about anime and how i am going to hong kong this summer since i'm not very close to my cousins and only recently had ways to communicate with them like through msn/fb haha but maybe he will want to hang out with me! since we both like gundams. if only i was in hk during acghk then we could've gone together.. as nerdy as that sounds but it's sooo cool.

anyways just wanted to blog because i'm reading up on ancient china for my exam and i'm SO excited for my trip this summer since i will get to see the great wall and i see a picture of it here in my book lol. i LOVE to travel and especially to asia ... clearly biased >_< but i love hong kong and just looking at pics i think i'm going to love china and the expo. just saying. YA kay back to studyin!

exams? anime?

it's exaaam time and i'm not too worried yet... taking things pretty easy =D i found a house and we signed the lease and everything so that's good. i really believe God will work out our housing issues in the end =) and code geass is really very interesting!!

let not the things of this world ever sway me

so many things have happened this weekend it's really been very busy and perhaps an emotional rollercoaster?
friday was ccf sharing night! and i heard some really awesome sharings. it was so genuine hearing people talk about their experiences or just being grateful for the past term for so many things. thanking God for everything =). something that really hit me was how derek said that it's harder to do the right thing even though many people see the right thing as the "chicken" or "easy" way out. it's sooo true >_< so many external pressures though i feel like i've really learnt to deal with those so much better now. like going to aaron's party afterwards was like NO ALCOHOL I DUN WANNA GET TRASHED PLZ i don't care how lame you say i am -__-" i guess it's good that jeff was there not drinking but i don't even feel ashamed that i'm not drinking =)
the other thing that kind of hit me was how someone said "you can be in the fellowship but not be IN the fellowship". i think this always really gets to me since i was reflecting so much on my ability to open up to people. i always thought that i was really open since if anyone asks i will tell them whats going on with my life but i realize i only tell the really shallow story (even though i pretty much tell the general story just not very deeply?).. and then i go on and reassure people that i'm okay and stuff. but sometimes i think i'm really not okay and i want to share and as jenny said about how we can share our burdens with each other but i think i have a problem with opening up or something. i feel like it's good that when i have issues i give them to God to handle first of all and just trust and have faith that He will guide me through it and bring me through it so i think that's where i get the "reassuring others i'm okay" part from but i still feel burden i guess.. but that feels wrong..? why do i still feel burdened if i've given the situation to God. is it because i'm supposed to share with my brothers and sisters or is it because i haven't fully given it up.. or is it both.. that i have given it up but knowing that there are people to share with vs no one to share with causes a burden. does that make any sense ? >< well it makes sense in my head. i realize this blog is really just to help me sort myself out.. and also unburden myself a bit by just getting it out. T____T i guess this goes back to not being IN the fellowship. is it my inability to share that makes me feel distanced from others? am i not seeking community enough and that is why i am not really in it? i half feel that it should also not be forcing myself upon community to make it work and that it should feel more natural. i guess like everyone always meets up with one another outside frosh cell and ccf and church time and i'm sooo not "with" that because i rarely plan to eat with or see people outside those times. so am i to puruse this more?
kay this has already been a fairly long post/rant. my blog is so uninspiring -__- but at least i'm fairly honest on it? >< it is kind of sad that i am more open to a blog than people... anyways saturday was fun times :) parents caaame and brought me some stuff, talked about asia trip! then went to end-of-term dinner with da bboys at wild wing. SO GOOOOD yums. haven't seen them in awhile! went back to arthur's place (aka home of shimmycocopuffs! lol he made some really good tasting noodles) and we played puerto rico! and i won ^^ hehe dind't play too aggressively so maybe i snuck up on them.. went home tried to do work.. then park seemed bored so we watched secret. i still like the movie though i'm still slightly confused. THENNN sunday was church =D yay i made it even though slept late and then grad dinner afterwards =D the frosh video was really gooood. the 3rd years had a REALLY GOOD SOUNDING SONG... yarr that wasfun to dress up and stuff =) i didn't really knooow the grads too well but it was sad because i remember the feelings of leaving summer for uni .. such sad times lol kay so late for class >_< had to blog!