fishy

note: music player sounds very weird so i will change the song soon. in fact right now i'm listening to LYDIA instrumental soooo pretty. maybe i will change it to that =D

anyways i got a pair of fish and i have yet to name them. At this rate I will probably never name them! I just had to mention that because I couldn't think of a title for this entry and i looked over and saw my fish!

But now that that is over with... I can blog about other things. (omgosh this instrumental is REALLY nice) I'm starting to get back into my regular routine of things before Culture show ever happened. It's so weird that it was like just a phase.. but I'm really happy that it has happened. I've made some new friends in other grades, and the people who i pass awkwardly in the hallway i can now say hi to. Dennis recently put up a note on facebook about how it is easy to destroy friendships, hard to build up ones, and then even especially hard to rebuild something after it's been broken. (wow this FIR cd is so gooood. highly recommend any FIR. so sad i missed them in toronto *cries*) While Dennis referred this back to the Church, I found it more useful at face value. I guess it's just very applicable to the context of my life right now. maybe mostly the rebuilding part. I've come to realize that I can be very pick and choose with how i treat people when i'm "irked". Irked meaning... bugged by something, emotionally restless? Sometimes i become violent (NOT LK HULK) often taking it out on Joseph/Nathan heh. but they are men they can take it NOT THAT I HIT HARD ANYWAY >__> or i become very unresponsive to some people. and i really do feel guilty afterwards. I guess i'm a person that is very easily controlled by emotions.. and not in a good way, though I know i've definitly improved. I think I need to learn to love better. It's a theme we've been going through in Sunday school and how love is a choice, you will yourself to love and it is accompanied by emotions but NOT GOVERNED by them. I think i base too many things on emotions. and maybe i'm just emotional like that and easily swayed.. i don't really know why i'm talking about this.. i've just been thinking about it a bit. kay now i'll go change the song. if only i could just put the whole FIR cd on the playlist... so goood!

*note: okay i tried to find the songs but i can't ... cause i'm bad at this stuff.. but LISTEN TO "Lydia (Piano Instrumental)" and "Hidden Eden (後樂園)" very pretty! so for now i'll just put another song...

messy

my blogs are very messy, unorganized and highly unstructured and has no real point but just lots of babbling. maybe it's because i'm getting lazy again with actual writing really long posts or something. but yah i have no focus anymore! but anyways things that have been going on:

CULTURE SHOW. it's finally come and gone :) i think it was rather successful and i'm excited to find out how much Show generated in terms of profit! I did not have any major mess-ups and no falling offstage unlike someone last year haha. and i think people found it hilarious. however when you ask people they are likely to tell you it was good but i'm going to believe them =D and a lot of ppl complimented on my dancing in a good way.. and that could also just be them being nice but.. i'm not going to over think this and just accept that i did at least mediocre =D i guess all that intense practicing paid off..

pre-CNY. at rogers centre was a really big event with huge stars but the event itself was highly lacking haha but it was still fun =D I got to go on stage and help the guy do a magic trick and i got to keep the trick thing as a souvenir =D it's actually so ridiculous! I also got some fish =D still waiting to be named... and i got interviewed for the Toronto Sun while Joseph got shafted and completely ignored ^^ i also ate some good food and got a red lk ... thing that says "man see yu yee" woots for asian culture~

BIRTHDAY. it was not bad :) pretty nice ahah although we stayed really late for dress rehearsals and stuff i got treated to dinner, treated to cake, got some cute presents (nice personal gifts and also pretty gifts and A REALLY PRETTY STRIKE ROUGE ^^) also watched my documentary =( so embarassing but now it's over with =D

gurin. *looks at him* *giggles* *AWKWARD* i don't really know why i'm always so embarassed infront of him =\ i feel so awkward and self-concious when he is directly in my vicinity especially when he was lk "street was good" "show me some street" "oh hiphop is actually good!" and lk it's WEIRD idunno WHY. well he's very nice to me generally i just don't know why i'm making it strange.

klee. omgosh i'm so confused lol i also lost to him in smash.. lk WHAT/HOW could that possibly happen.. =( haven't been playing enough!

UNI. i think i got accepted yaaaaaaaaaaay into planning =D and marks only went in on thurs =D and i didn't fill out AIF so i still hope it's a legit acceptance... I HOPE OTHER PLACES ACCEPT MEEE. plz.

today todayyy

is my birthday yay :) i know i shouldn't expect too much. i always make things out than more than they really will be but i think just having a surprise party (kind of similar to irene's but way less people) is something to be grateful for. not everyone's parents plan a surprise birthday party for their kids and i'm really happy that they did because all my birthday parties have been failures and for the past years i haven't really celebrated at all.. so it was really nice though it wish more of my friends could've been there. crystal was there ^__^ her present was really nice too keke cause it shows she put some thought into it based on what she knows about me :) but now i have 3 gundams and no time to build them =( she also gave me a card ^^ and i love receiving cards (as long as they're not something just lk "happy birthday" cause that's not very interesting..)
we have a full runthrough of the show today though so i'm really scareddd that i will screw up. i almost fell off nick again when we do the roll thing and jyu was lk OMG lol anyways tons of things going on and super busy and i think i should really head off to bed now for the super long day ahead.. i just wish it was a b-day atleast LOL oh the pun...

so cold T__T

these past few days have been absolutely freezing and that suckss .__. i hate cold weather..this past week has been filled with huge stress and just tiredness. however most of the work is OVER thank goodness. and today i could finally just relax and chill a bit~ so today i decided to stay and help out setcon though i didn't actually do that much work-wise..heh well i spent like 8-10 at setcon with maybe a 30 min lunch break but people weren't really doing anything so i guess i didn't do too much but anyways on the way home there was a subway delay at st. clair and we all had to get off AND it's like 1030 at night and i have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO and it's so cold outside and i was a bit scared despite the fact that i do love downtown at night.. so i followed people except they all dispersed i really have no idea where everyone went T__T so more scared already... but there were people waiting at a bus stop so i just went there and then a bunch of them got into a taxi and it was like cruuud taxi T__T i'm going to be left behind and not know what to dooo. but there were 3 of us left at a bus stop and one lady was flagging down a taxi already and determined not to be all alone at night in dtown with no idea how to get home.. i asked if we could split and this other guy joined us. so i felt more relieved.. and the girl got off at eglinton and paid 10 dollahs which covered more than her 1/3 but she was fine with it but the guy and i wanted to take it to lawrence just incase eglinton service was out as well. and when we got there maybe cause i look young to people.. and also cause i'm a girl he paid for the rest of it hehe FREE TAXI RIDE ^^ i'm really lucky that the people that were also there were very nice and generous people and the guy even waited for me to get off the taxi as a gentleman-ish gesture? but then i felt better and not as scared lol except the train took forever to come but it's okay... HOME AT 12 heh good thing i don't have work...but that was quite an adventure haha the worst thing is that it was cold =( and late and my feet hurt so much =S but it's okay tomorrow is friiiiday =D

i don't even know

sometimes the reality of blogging hits you... i'm only blogging cause you feel like you don't have anyone to go to T___T i feel like i've been broken today. like.. in the sense that you feel so open and exposed in a sense. AH VULNERABLE is the word. couldn't think of it for awhile haha. yes .. vulnerable >__< perhaps in the past 8 hours which i've been having a huge headache and all i could do is sit around and think and wonder and worry has broken me down and i feel very ... sad? i don't think it's necessarily sad. maybe more unsure, unknowing, confused? definitely troubled. i think i'm most unsure about.. my self... i see so many faults, but yet i can't fix them.. i think i know i should be but i can't ... think like that. and then there are some things i'm very unsure of.. i can't even describe it. but i guess if i were to generalize i'm quite disappointed in myself. why can't i be simpler, why do things i love turn out to be the hardest things for me to achieve (not just skills-wise), why am i so easily bugged about things. these will be some tough weeks..

insomnia dumdumdummm~

i can't sleep =( and it's because i keep thinking about stuff and i'm worrying so much that i keep thinking and my brain never rests so i can't SLEEP T__T i went to bed at 1 am and rolled around for 2 hours and got up and i was just as awake as when i went to bad >__< i'm so concerned for street. i am going to screw upppp i'm also scared for work in general... how is this eng doc going to work itself out =S, this physics question i haven't thought about, the math exam coming up... then there's just stuff about how i have to use my time efficiently etc... i can't stop thinking about stuffffff and i get no rest =(

starting off the year with 3 bad weeks

Well i came up with several some-what vague new year's resolutions...

- Be more organized…
not working out that well right now haha but I"M TRYING. i think this ties in a lot with prioritizing well
- Don’t be so lazy
work work work! don't put things off and especially don't sit around doing nothing if you have something better to do =( this will be hard
- Develop a better relationship with God and with brothers&sisters in Christ
I REALLY NEED TO WORK WITH THIS. i remember when i had a wonderful relationship with God and i was very close with brothers and sisters in Christ but that has ... disappeared. i want to get that spiritual motivation back!
- Don’t rely so heavily on technology aka get off the computer
I really need to stop being on the computer from right when i get home to when i sleep...
- SLEEP
and speaking of sleep i actually need to do this.. and not stay awake because i think i will do something fun but i never actually do anything fun...
- Fix up relationships with people
fix or improve.. or reinitiate. i have a lot of broken, failing, and cut off friendships that i would like to take care of better
- Carry through with things I start
STOP GIVING UP/QUITTING when i suck. this will be harddd

I guess i have a lot of frustration to vent too and that's because of the 3 weeks that's coming up. University decisions scare me to death... i have applied.... but i don't really know what's going to happen, so i'll be hoping for the est but.. i'm really glad i submitted everything and dont' have to worry about that.
WORK is terrible... math test this week, math exam next week, physics question due (and i don't understand physics T__T), ENG DOCUMENTARY is going to kill me... 1.5 weeks is not really enough =( and it's my own fault for procrastinating.. so i'm really scared for that
THE SHOW maybe i overdid it with things this year but there are going to be a lot of coinciding practices between Street and Hiphop and i don't know which one to choose (prob street cause it's more fun) but i got totally owned today and am a bit traumatized =( NO FEARRR but even just having so many practices is so tiring... and i really have to get the invert DOWNNN. and then FRONT OF HOUSE IS SO UNORGANIZED. it's just all over the place and connie and i have to do a budget thing by Wed?!?! just out of nowhere... should've given us more notice and the design is kind of over the top..? =S but MASS STRESS WITH THIS. i don't want the 23/24 to come T__T
TWIG this wouldn't have been so bad if the deadline wasn't at the same time as all the other things but it is so terribly annoying for me and for club exec when they don't reply to my emails asking for their information then i have to send them MORE emails and check and make sure WHOS" INFO I HAVE AND WHO'S I DON'T arghh and some exec are just so unresponsive.. and some clubs haven't even HAD meetings.. bleh
MY BIRTHDAY i don't know if this is something to look forward to or not. everyone is always busy during this time and it's not very fun staying at school til 9/10 at night...AGAIN... for the past 2 years as well... >__< so lame

there are things to look forward to as well =P actually not THAT much to look forward to but um they are good things :) chinese new year celebration at rogers centre/maybe jeff chang concert with dwang RIGHT AFTER CULTURE SHOW (it's too bad i'm missing fama, hins, and fir...), more hang time with klee hehe, more poutineee eating, and just looking forward to this being ALL OVER. yay i know i will miss street though XD

2009!!

first post of the new year =) um wow i don't even know what to say.. from dec 30 - now has just been filled with .. fun haha
dec 30 - street practice was as usual amazing, chilled with kevin at chapters haha =), julie's party was nice and seeing people i haven't seen in awhile, her house is so nice and her mom is also very nice. i've basically just said that all her stuff is nice, and good arnold chat about random stuff, brought up gunbound haha
dec 31 - new year's eve of course =) lena came over and we made dukboki, sai mai lo, cheung k'd, sparkler fun anddd COUNTDOWN which we almost missed. and then more cheung k XD this was a really nice hangtime
jan 1 - Irene's birthday partay =) (SURPRISE bday party which she knew of) haha i guess awkward at first but i think she enjoyed it in the end =) it's nice to actually hang out with people from church since i haven't been doing that much =( and dutch blitz and brawl and hotpot!! were just bonuses ^^
jan 2 - more street. awesomee times finished the "solo" ahaha (I"M REALLY NOT GOOD AT EITHER DANCE ELENA DON"T EXPECT ANYTHING) then skipped hiphop >< and got a ride with park/jeff to mwan's house and talked to park's mom about korean stuff keke like dukboki and going to korea! and mwan's was pretty chill except i was so tired already >__<
I guess these past 4 days have just been good people time for me and it's nice to really relax and chill like this over the break. Like hanging out with lena was really reminiscent for the both of us, especially cheung k.. singing all these old songs we used to love when we were in our downtimes and our support for each other was really great. stuff like street makes me wish culture show would never come.. because then i can keep having practices and then i wouldn't have to perform.. haha and i kind of wish this year would never end so i don't have to worry about university... hai and i wish this break would never end but we'd be free to go to school for fun and not do work! YAY =( hai sacrificing work for fun times this break is leaving me more and more stressed but i'm quite satisfied. a lot of things have worked themselves out except for work... haven't gotten around to making new years resolutions... >__< not that i keep them often..