anticipation

i'm really anxious and waiting for exciting things to come up =) such as.....

1. I AM GOING TO SEE JAY CHOU IN CONCERT! i never thought this day would happen haha but jay chou is coming to toronto and i got the cheapest tickets... but good enough =) they're expensive >__< but hooray. that's for december =P

2. hiphop! i signed up for hiphop for culture show and can't wait til that actually gets started =) considering joining street too haha but iffy cause it would be super awkwards since i'm probably not going to be doing anything for most of the perf XD maybe indian dance.. so cute XD

3. waiting for twig stuff/culture show work to actually start... it's kind of my escape from schoolwork haha but i'm on FOH this year but i think it'll be a lot more fun now that other people are helping out with culture show too!

4. not really anticipating this but organizing and working out uni stuff... still need to message people about chatting about uni... and getting together job applications and the like...

back where i started... aka lost >___<

warning: super duper long...
well this has been an eventful day indeed... today was university fair and i was actually rather excited, cause i thought i was so sure that i knew my career path and all that stuff... but i guess i always knew the fact that i didn't have much background in languages but i didn't think that would be that big of a hindrance. however after asking around and visiting different universities and stuff i realized i can't really major in Chinese/Korean and that was kind of panicky. but then i found a booth that talked about doing translation related jobs and stuff and what universities have translation courses and then i felt relieved... and then i went to ask around at universities but they only work in translation with languages like spanish, french, etc. >__< so i went back to talk to the guy at the translation booth and he's like... WELL in canada it's highly unlikely you will find much opportunity with translation with East Asian languages and he suggest going to overseas where opportunities are greater... but i don't want to go so far away =( where i can only come back once a year... and that's only assuming i can get into universities there, which once again... highly unlikely because as i was completely discouraged today by one of those people i talked to... people don't usually go into translating unless they have sound background or experience in a language.. which i completely don't. and so my dreams are crushed. and if i were to study a language for a couple years in university as a minor maybe (since like no ontario universities seem to major much in east asian languages >__>) what the heck is going to be my other field of study =( i am a total noob at chemistry and i have not much interest in science... i have no back-up and why do i not excel at anythingggg why do i have to have interest in a field that i'm so ill-prepared for. so after university fair i am very very depressed,feeling like i have no future, no direction, and so afraid of how i'm going to turn out. am i going to be one of those people that has a job that they don't enjoy for the rest of their lives cause they weren't good enough to do what they wanted? VERY POSSIBLE >__< i wanted to check out ubc's stand but we took a wrong turn on the way out... so i couldn't, adding to the distress of the moment... so then i started to cry >__< it's so rare that i cry infront of people because i'm usually so influenced by my surroundings... if everyone is happy it's hard for me to be sad but this was so.. terrible enough that i couldn't help it >__< most people seemed to know exactly what field they were looking into. and as for me... my dreams were kind of destroyed. it was very sad... i really wanted to just cry it all out but then it got really awkward so i had to stop.. i guess the rest of the night was slightly better... we had a dance at school.. dancing my worries away lalala but i got made fun of by s5s... i don't know why they adopted such an attitude today for they are normally very nice! well anyways i think i should go seek some help from people =( felly counsellors and ms sirna... lol i don't want to be a failure =( i don't want to take a year off to have to decide what to do or stuff... i want to hurry and finish university so my parents can stop paying like 15 000 a year for my education. they have worked so hard and given so much so that i might have a better education and end up with a better life than they had when they were younger. but all they get for all that money is some kid who is really unable to do anything well. i am really not smart at all >__<
WHAT DO I DOOOO i'm so scared >__< i'm trying my hardest to trust in God but i still am scared of what i don't know.. and 多謝我的朋友沒有一個人問我我怎麽樣。。。 沒有一個人問我爲什麽我哭， 沒有一個朋友來幫我。 我不想怪他們不過我覺得這樣是應該。。。他們是不是忘記了？我要讓自己加油， 不過會容易一點如果我朋友也可以幫我行這個很難行的路。

nobody but you

lala that is a very catchy song... [nobody by wonder girls] anywho interesting day today. there was some intense poster drawing period for club-o-rama afterschool. and that was also hectic... but anyways during club-o-rama i was actually dragged into the a "dance circle" by khalid because i had a chain with him about *break dancing*... i know it seems like such a ridiculous dream/goal and based on my previous experiences and how i give up and stuff... it seems totally unaccomplishable >__< but i really want to be able to prove all those ppl wrong. but it's so hard =( well the beijing welcome you song says... 讓我們都加油去超越自己... aka add oil to do the best you can! i don't know what will be the outcome of this... i guess i can tell people to poke at me to go actually practice but this is physically requiring of skills that i do not have lol oh well ADD OILS ^^ don't give up yettt

random... but i like this:
Every minute you are angry,
you lose sixty seconds of happiness!

not sure what this blog will be about, but feeling a need to blog

well as the title says.. i feel like i would like to get stuff out but i'm not really sure what =S today i went to wonderland and then i saw spongebob and patrick and joined a line of little kids to meet them.. and then asked the person if i could take a picture with them both >__< but TOTALLY WORTH IT! anyways things have been alright but school work is starting to stack up and all and i would like to get a good average for uni and stuff... but i keep thinking back to summer and how weekends i would go out and eat with friends, watch movies/dramas, ...shopping in hk lol i keep thinking about the past and reflecting on all that stuff... sometimes it's wishing i could go back in time, sometimes just reflecting on how far i've come since.. whenever... but when i look to the future i just get scared. I see lots of school work being due, i see university applications and i see a lot of unknowns. And then i look to the present and realize i am totally slacking off by blogging! I feel like such a lost case... dunno if that's the right word.. like very "無用" (canto pingyum: mo yong) i am really not smart... my marks only reflect the fact that i understood it for the time i needed to, did well on the few tests and completely threw all that information away. Why can't i truly dedicate myself to stuff... i like to say nowadays that i'm really hardworking... yes, much better than before.. but what am i working for?! only to get good marks to please people to get into university... it all seems so fruitless ? is that the right word... i don't know how to explain this at all and maybe this is just one of those times my mind is all jumbled up and i'm just panicking and worrying again. Sometimes i feel so satisfied and content, feeling that i have everything, and in these little alone times i realize i don't have much (not in the material sense). I remember telling myself recently when i was feeling happy that happiness doesn't always last and i should be prepared for something to come bum me down as usual. just feeling crappy now =( but i shall nevaaaar forget no matter how little i have, i will forever have God, and that shall bring me enough joy ^^

lesson worth learning..

Earthly things don't satisfy;
contentment comes from the Lord's Supply

unfortunately this took so long for me to fully realize, to accept, and to live by but hopefully i've learnt for real now =)

COOCH

i hope cooch is fun >__> i want to have good and nostalgic memories =D because it is my grade 12 year... hope it doesn't rain! i know a lot of people are back from university and too bad i'm missing church and won't get to see some of them =( next time! [gone for the weekend]

some late thinking

well it's 12:30 and i've totally broken the sleep before 12:15 rule of the day... but a lot of stuff has been on my mind recently now that school has started again. Once again I start the year off with a really "study hard, play later" attitude but once applications come up again i get all depressed and disappointed because the desired positions, once again, go to the people that have all the other good positions >__< I don't know what to put on my resume or put down as extracurriculars =( maybe i just take it far and get really paranoid but then i worry about university because I'm really scared I won't get in... Firstly cause i'm going into languages and i don't have like any background and then also because my other marks are not that great and just the things i've done aren't amazing... so i don't have a back-up... i just need to vent and to worry and to get some air and just think. I'm so afraid cause i don't know waht to expect at all. I keep thinking that i'll take things as they come, cause what is the point of worrying when i am not even sure that things will turn out bad... but it's just hard to keep telling yourself that... but i know God provides... when i was at a total loss of what i was going to do with my future, i feel He's shown me the path to languages... for now at least. I will take the Cooch weekend (camp thing) opportunity to get some air and it'll be nice at night to just think about stuff and Stan told me at Cooch he went to this lake place where he just screamed and yelled stuff out so haha maybe that will be fun. I'd say the only good thing i can think of now is that my hair is long ^___^

dumdumdummm

so i went to felly today and i had a lot of fun welcoming and meeting the new grade 9s that are now in malachi =D but there's such a strange ..feeling? of being the oldest now. it's kind of like being in the oldest grade at UTS. now i feel so much more responsible that these guys have a good time in Malachi and I really hope they do because i loved being a part of it =D and it's cool cause i got to share what Malachi was for me =) and i was quite honoured that Sharon asked me ^^ I just feels so strange and motherly but not a bad strange. the good kind that i'm just not used to something yet. And it feels good like, asking someone younger than you how they are and stuff and just starting the conversation because maybe it's something i never had with my own younger brother. And today in my small group prayer time, I asked the grade 9 to pray for us and i was so ..happy? with how he was so willing. Like usually when you ask someone to pray they are often like "uhhhh why me...do i have to?" but i really think it's such a privilege. maybe i'm just the praying kind of person too but i was so happy to hear him want to pray. and although he couldn't really get the right words out and it was really short, and although afterwards he was like "aww i'm not really good at this >__< *a little embarassed*" i'm excited to see him grow in Christ ^^ i'm also a little sad it's my last year in Malachi but i hope i make it a good year =) for myself and my fellow felly members ^^

SCHOOL

oh my goodness my schedule is terrible =( i need to have more last period spares so i can go homeee (and work) *cries* but i don't think i can change that much... *cries* that is all =(