2008 reflection...

i don't really feel like sleeping... again. >__< it's so bad too cause i was so tired from a really long day but OH WELL. i just realized that today is the last day of 2008, although it really doesn't feel like it.. HOW TIME PASSES SO FAST.. so i thought it would be appropriate to take this time while i'm not doing anything anyway.. to reflect on how this year has been. although this year has been full of interesting things i think it's actually been less.. dramatic than 2007/2006.. i also have to pull memories from before the summer and even back to Jan 2008 and that is hard so i'm really basing a lot of these generalizations on recent occurrences (i.e. this school year). I think it's always nice to look back and reflect and realize how much wiser you've become and how i have learnt from my mistakes, while still failing a lot.. but still better :) it's kind of hard to reflect and generalize... i see 2008 in 3 chunks... the 07-08 school year (i.e. before the summer break), the summer break, and this 08-09 school year so far.
- The first section was interesting i suppose haha. it really pushed me to learn from my experiences, to try and not make the same mistakes, and i think a time of pretty good spiritual life.. i had a lot of support from school friends and it was really nice, and i think i miss that so maybe that should be one of those new years resolutions keke. I guess since it's been awhile, all the stuff that happened is not a big deal anymore, which is nice, i already have enough to think about now! but as far as i can remember now, i didnt end that year on such a bad note. i had a lot of good times and lots of fun
- but probably not as much fun as i had in the summer. Summer was probably one of my best summers ever. Softball started off my summer amazingly and my social life was reallyyy alive. I felt like I had tons of people to hang out with and even over in Asia like in Korea with Namjin and Ryan and then in HK where a lot of people met up and that was sweeet. plus even when i didn't have anyone to hang out with i loved going out shopping and just walking around on the streets. i love hk T__T i also hung out with dan and got to know his friends and that was nice. FIREWORKS. crystal too, i'm so glad i'm still good friends with herrr <3 and coming back from asia was absolutely amazing with more SOFTBALL. although i felt like this year i missed out on hanging out/we just didn't hang out as much, it was still amazing. I could go on.. but i shouldn't. it was basically amazing
- this school year has been.. also amazing. WELL i got quite a good mark. although not reflective of my top 6 but it's still a nice accomplishment.. unfortunately everything is going by so fast i'm a little sad since it is my last year in highschool/at UTS. i'm a little sad though that i made the most friends with other grades in my last year... cause i'm just going to be sad to leave them when i have to go haha but always gotta move on.. but yeah i've just been getting to know new people and i love them they are amazing. i just get so much joy from meeting cool people. it's really been full of laughter more than anything, not saying no times of unhappiness, but i've been enjoying it really almost to the fullest. i also love getting to know people again, it just makes me so happy O_o although university apps are just really ..ajsdkfa right now.. i've been having a blast. (aljfa lotsa work/stress coming though!)
WELL i guess all i can really say about this year is that it's been GREAT and i can only be grateful for that (hehe) it's too bad i realized it so late but better late than never (not "lei doh ho gwoh say" lol) i should be more thankful for everything that happens... i feel like i'm going to be making a lot of these new years resolutions =S darn. well i'm glad i'm spending the last highschool new years eve with probably my closest hs friend, who i was tightest with in gr 8 but it kind of went up and down but despite the times apart, we were good enough friends to still be able to be good friends even after time apart. MUST END THIS YEAR OFF WITH A BANG and by bang i just mean positivity. Being unconfident and stressed out gets me negative so easily.. i should work on that too.. it sounds lame like "be positive!" but i honestly think if you want to have fun and be happy, a lot of it comes from your own take on things and if youre not positive about it..how do you expect to be happy... hmmm byebye 2008, welcome 2009... omgosh i'm graduating hahah

recently...

1) shampoo got into my eyes T__T it stung :(
2) i went more shoppings
3) realized half of break is over
4) no hmwk is done
5) less confused, more concerned
6) more panicked, more worried
7) no plans T__T
8) more tired, less sleep... more like can't sleep
9) 我超想念他， 不過說不出口。。。

i love eating

but don't have the metabolism to balance it all off. hahaha basically i'm getting fat. time to start doing more exercise and eating less at night (my favourite past time) :[
on the brighter note, i've more or less completed by holiday shopping and it's terrible but now i just want to buy more clothes =( i have a whole list of what i want and it sucks cause i wish i wasn't so ... wanting stuff T__T it's all just because of that one time i got a deal on a sweater and now i want to take advantage and get cheap deals everywhere! =(
i went to stc today though and it's nice cause i haven't been there in so long!! i still remember being 7 years old and being fascinated by the balloons XD i can't wait til boxing day! shopping with crystal and sherry =) they give good advice hehe
so it was good shoppings times today and movie.. i haven't seen a movie in so long T__T hopefully more holiday fun to comeee

Thinking Over

I've been searching for a reason
And I'm running out of time
I can feel that it's the season
It's time to make up my mind

And I can't really tell you
what I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to
walk down and one road to choose
So I'm thinking over the
things that you've said
Thinking over the things...

the last week~

WOW what a week of ups and downs that was just ridiculous haha
1) ONTOP OF ALL THAT STRESS, my harddrive crashed.... i really hope i haven't lost all my files on it and that they are still recoverable =( i will be so sad.. ALL MY HK PHOTOS/MUSIC/VIDS... haiya but it's okay i guess if i do. i think i've been really learning to "move on" and don't focus too much on things that have passed although something from the past has recently come back up again... dumdumdum
2) lol everyone ditched me that day after the basketball game cause everyone thought i was staying but i wasn't!! =( and that's when i went home and discovered my computer died *cries*
3) CAFE BLANC was not thaaaat bad .... well people said it was pretty good.. but guitar was too quiet >__< jan was nervous and sped up in the beginning but we pulled it together by the 2nd verse so i think it was aites =) well i guess i'll judge after i see the vid. Staying late was also interesting... hung out with FAT and heard some random stuff.. kevin didn't stay cause he is too busy with work =( andddd went home with scott, dwang, and chris cao.. such a random group of people hahah
4) JAY CHOU i could probably go on and on about how much i loved it... and how much i miss it =( he sounds amazing live and although he can't dance kekekekeke it's still entertaining PLUS i still cannot believe i saw jay chou.. live.. it's like a dream~ highlights: HE SANG ANJING my favouriteee and he added in this bit about toronto and at the end of the chorus it goes "wo tai ai ni" and everyone screamed it (yaaah including meeee) and it was AWESOME. i really indulged the asianness and just did whatever even if it seemed lame cause it was fun ^^ and no one will see you again so it won't matter if i looked like an idiot!, NAN QUAN MAMA cameeeee amgosh i can't believe i saw them as well. so darn pro. 2 in 1 deal!!!, they did the duel from secret, he played that really fast upbeat song that really got the pro fans going =P it was so darn funnnn
5) not so fun is getting home at 12 and writing candygrams til 2 30 T__T but it's okay...
6) Holiday breakfast is so nice... you go to school knowing you don't have to do anything and every class is like a break... GOOD FEELING. during 2nd/3rd, they were throwing snow at each otherrr. kevin is finally not busyyy but he had to take that time to do my candygrammm. candygrams... i love getting these things.. these are the things i will have to remember my experience by :) and too bad these are my last ones... holiday concert was shortened cause of the snow storm =( but sok i was still goood, and last time singing 12 days of christmas like that. i think the new .. thought? this year is .. JUST DO EVERYTHING cause you'll never get the chance to do it again.. so rather not have to regret it later and have some fun! hehe
7) going to tenren's with girls and bussing with Judith. Good chatting and talking time that we haven't done in awhile :) and also freezing out in the cold... LESSON: do not wear converse in winter when there is a lot of snow... so not warmmmm T__T
8) BREAKKK - gotta film english *cries*, get to hang out with peoples, dance practices, kkkkk, two weeks is actually really short...
but i kind of want to go to school too because it's our last year and like i do want to spend time with people i don't usually spend time with. but university apps.. dang..

SUPPLIES

i feel like a lot of people around me (well like 3) have been suddenly hit with stress from out of.. seemingly no where. Well honestly the day started kind of slow and it was really weird with Kevin :\ but i got through the day despite physics being terribly slow T__T i learnt hiphop kind of... forgot it though cause i had to rush to street to learn POPPING AND LOCKING which i definitely look like a fool doing. but i think street is sometimes stressing but at the same time a nice social destressing time. no matter what we do, street is always full of laughter and i really love that. kevin and nick are the only ones who are good at popping and locking and jeffyu is just tackling it in the most nonserious way. nick t is just laughing/sitting on the side XD trying to teach park to do this "girl's stance and like BOUNCE" ahhaha then like 2-people solo. SO AWKWARD but so hilarious. i must have the healthiest diaphragm ever. i wish i could show somehow how much i love this little group of people who just have fun but i don't know how lol i'm a little sad it'll be over in january tbh. okay i'm straying away from original point of blog XD BASICALLY STREET WAS SO FUN. set painting wasn't bad either. i'm not committed for sure to it but it's nice to drop in and help out where and when i can =D i guess it's similar to how i have fun at street.. that it's just really chill and it's almost as if you're just hanging out with a bunch of people. i was also in charge of ordering pizza ^__^ i guess it just feels nice to belong somewhere? anyways too bad setcon ends at like 9 T__T and we left early.. so i got home at 10 30... and logged onto firstclass only to find TONS of red flags on all these conferences. half of them were useless but WHERE did this flood of STUFF come from?! First thing i read was about 3 clubs that couldn't get their picture taken because one member wasn't there and it's getting tight for time since break is in 4 days... and it's just very annoying for me and i feel terribly bad for farheen. THEN i opened another email about CAFE and how there weren't guitars available at school for some reason so i'm really WORRIED cause i don't have a guitar T__T i'm sure they'll find a way but it doesn't help the stressing out that's beginning to surface. THEN I ALSO HAVE TO WASH MY HAIR which is annoying late at night because i have other things to do and i have to blowdry.., i had art homework, cindy sent me the edits from ms drake about club blurbs and it's like uhhh *edit*, discuss, SEND MORE EMAILS REMINDING PPL ABOUT CLUB PHOTOS basically in the end it was extra-frustrating because i my fc was lagging/disconnecting, i had so many messages open i didn't know what thing to tackle first and then i also have to make signs for pub club... T__T which was what i was doing now until i felt the urge to really blog about it because it was frustratinggg. TRUST TRUST TRUST have faith. Bible study last felly: "don't be afraid, just believe." i guess i'm being tested right now haha. KAY i think the first step is to do some real work or just go sleep. maybe some art and i shall go.. *haiz* it'll be awesome by the end of this week, i know i know i know it will. AJAJA HWAITING

one more week!

until da break~ and i'm an idiot for deciding to blog at 3 am in the morning but i feel like i haven't blogged in awhile... it's also freezing in my room and i'm going to wear a sweater to sleep tonight =( it feels bulky >__< well i'm doing alright now generally... school's .. okay.. got to get an english topic to do my documentary on =S i want something not tooo hard T__T but it's so cool to be in other people's documentaries =D family stuff is aites. it's definitely better than before ^^ university is floating around but don't want to think about it... scholarships are.. i don't know... not sure of my chances really.. friendships are pretty stable.. i don't know what's going to happen with somebody..
i feel so "i don't care" towards a lot of things right now and that's bad because i need motivation =( but well lots of good things are coming up.. going to have do some:
holiday shopping [about this, it's amazing how less stressed you get when you don't have to go shopping for people and worry if they like it or not... "the girls" decided to not buy each other gifts and instead enjoy a nice dinner together and i'ts a relief knowing i don't have to destroy myself by thinking of what to get them]
cafe blanc (hope we don't screw up)
jay chouuu [this is honestly the best day ever? it's going to be really chill because of last day of full classes before the break, after school chilling time .. i get to see michelle ku, maybe play mahjong with dwang and normie, dwang wants to eat a 2 hour dinner with kbbq... so i guess i'm going to be eating with all the s5 jay chou kids but they're quite jokes, JAY CHOU woooooots i might also seem simon and dimsum cause they're in the row infront of us ^^RON IS ALSO GOING AND A BUNCH O OTHER PPL]
last day of school before break [holiday breakfast so yummmmy and i think it's cheaper this year keke, candygrams.. these are actually my favourite well mostly if they are more personal but it's nice if you get them from someone and you think "oh yay i was important enough to them for them to consider sending one to me ^^" and esp if it's not generic messages like "have a great winter" haha. and esp since this is last year i want to leave with good "souvenirs" of my hs experience... which is why i'm glad i talk to arnold cause he can write me one now and i can remember that we have been great friends despite a dry period in the middle! and then after that girl-time chillage tbd but it's been awhile since it was just girls, the 5 of us, hanging out and it'd be nice to get girl bonding time hehe]
sat is not as exciting but more giftwrapping time T__T
sunday baptismal service =D [jon wong, preston, and anthony are all getting baptised and that is really awesome =D i hope to hear their testimonies!! and i hope lots of malachites come to be supportive =D]
after sunday occurreces:
- fellowship movie day (maybe)
- dinner at julie's house
- CHRISTMAS ofcourse
- boxing day shopping? hahaha

confidence confidence

thinking about self-esteem and having people talk to me about it always makes me kind of very sad on the inside... i don't think people realize when they do certain things and i'm sure they don't mean it, but it really makes me think a certain way. like how i am not good and stuff.. but i guess at least if it's the truth i know that i'm not good at something but then.. everyone is good at something... everyone can name one skill that they are really good at..some people are really smart at something, very good at a sport, singing, music whateverrr it is.. ppl can name one. i can't name one about myself. i'm not particularly excelling at anything. i'm just about average/below average for everything... and people say "oh but you're friendly" THAT IS NOT A SKILL T__T everyone is pretty much friendly. haiz. i think a lot of the time i'm looking for encouragement, for someone else to confirm that i can do it/i'm good at something cause i don't trust my own judgement.. but whenever i don't get the kind i need i always get sad and feel like i'm not good at anything. i don't think that people should lie about it and not be honest, i think that honesty is important. but i don't even know what i "want" i mean ... i just want to be confident in my abilities.. whatever they may be. i feel like i'm stuck in the pit and i always try to climb out of it but it just doesn't work. i forget about it for awhile but once a stumbling block comes up, i'm right back at the bottom. i don't know where i'm meant to be in the future, and honestly very worried about it. I really wish i could never have to worry, and just TRUST that things will be okay. but i am to scared...why am i such a troubled personn... T__T

with the exception of getting my math test back i think today was really fun =) i think i'm actually getting dumber >__< but yeah um so the majority of the day was really chill. learning to play new chars on smash =D afterschool was house lipsynch and i was part of s6 althouse!! who i believe was the only s6 house to do their own ^^ but i'm glad i took part in it before i graduated. i'd say it's a cool experience. plus adam venis threw 60 dollars at me for being entertaining and bringing him to tears. and i hope that is in the good way >__< there were also other amazing acts, like a teacher dance choreographer by tallup and boneless!!! and WONDER GIRLS T__T no fair.. but if we weren't going to do it at least someone did! after that i helped set up for the dance which is cool. i feel very in the "dancecom crew" says polly keke =) funny how late nathan stayed.. jujunaynay problems =( but jks times with polly ^__^ then we eat some free pizza that was ordered by dcom and thenn we went to SWISS CHALET so good ^__^ and we were eating when the dance started and everything but there was really little turnout this time so i stayed out for the majority of the time. i was also really tired >__< so i played hangman, did some bouncing.. AND GOT BULLIED BY PEOPLE T__T i an really not cut out for the job.., chatted with people. but i'm glad that i was really able to talk to just random people, "the girls", and exchanged wise words with arnold and irene from sitting outside which is nice. i also had a nice mando conversation with dwang XD about random stuff. oh yah two very interesting things happened but i can't say but =OOO nick and dwanggg they are very entertaining. i really like chatting with them and it's nice that they trust me with stuff and how nick was so ready to tell me haha cause he was so happy, and it was his birthday as well ^^ good day for little nick. i think i'll miss them when i have to leave.. norman also talks to me haha he's so jokes.. and christopher cao? and damon ahah and rahim O_o guess this s6 year is full of making new friends, and revisiting old ones. which i like =) i also talked to kevin T__T it's so weird when lk people kind of think stuff but they're not really sure and it's just weird and i still don't have an answer but idunnoo what will happen. as arnold said la.. "just go with the flow"

T__T math fail

i have been using the T___T face a lot recently and that's because it's how i think i feel >__< i had a math test today and it was kind of terrible O_o i knew this unit was hard but i didn't think i was thaaat unprepared. i guess cause i expected more proving stuff and less solving for actual values and things. so i am not confident about any of my answers and it's highly possible that my test percentage is 60-75% which is pretty bad for MATH... i feel so troubled
today i was talking to someone and they said "if you can pull off a 93% without trying very hard... just imagine how you could do if you did!" IT"S TRUE. i think i have the capability to do better if i tried harder and did extra i could definitely do well... DO I WANT TO THOUGH? i'm also really consumed with other things like twig, culture show, volunteering, scholarships, tutoring..

what's the next step? seeking guidance from God!