whoops..

welll i guess i was hoping he was different from his buddies but i feel stupid for even considering that? and how i was totally tricked and then on top of that, my emotions got the best of me, once again. and then i was totally blind to it but i should've known! major failz! i feel stupid for having fallen for anythinggg

lalala!

在我脑海里　你的身影　挥散不去
只怕我自己会爱上你
不敢让自己靠的太近
爱你也需要很大的勇气
爱上你是我情非得已

in my mind your image is hard to forget
i'm scared that i will fall for you
i can't let myself get too close
loving you also requires lots of courage
i just can't help falling for you

expressive

i think i'm a person that really likes to express my feelings and tell people, whether it's sad, happy, frustrated, worried, etc. I think it's because I'm so sensitive about stuff that no matter what the thing is, i become easily affected. and i think recently i've just had a flood of many different emotions. I guess i really like to tell people when I'm happy too because, i'm just so happy about something! i don't know how else to explain it? but often for others, they can't find happiness in those same things and then it becomes big miscommunication!

最近我告訴我朋友我很開心因爲我跟十一年級的男子很好笑。 我每一次看到他們我很高興因爲常常他們讓我可以笑也他們會抱我， 覺得很有友誼的感覺。 我說我很怕我的physics考試他們說“不怕！加油！”哈哈如果它不那麽說他會講幾句笑話。我不可以記得全部不過他們讓我感覺到真的幸福。 可能是因爲在hallway裏他會打我說：喂！你怎麽樣嗎？所以我見到他們我就會開心不過我想告訴我別的朋友因爲我是這麽幸福不過在我別的朋友的方面， 我只是想自誇我自己有很多朋友。 不過真的不是！只是因爲我很開心想告訴別的人聼。 我不知道那麽做會讓到他生氣然後也說很不好的話。 讓我傷心。 讓人人多不開心。 我們兩個多生氣。 不知道怎麽想。 不過我真的高興因爲我覺得我和石一年級的朋友， 講多一點話認識他們多一點！

to improve my chinese skills i'm trying to like translate songs for practice! translation very baad >__>

那裏有彩虹告訴我
能不能把願望還給我
為甚麼天這麼安靜
所有的雲都跑到我這裏

where is there a rainbow that can tell me
if i am able to have my wish ?
why is the sky so silent
for all the clouds have run to me

有沒有口罩一個給我
釋懷說太了多就成真不了
也許時間是一種解藥
也是我現在正服下的毒藥

is there a mask for me?
if i explain my thoughts too much, they will become false
it could be that time is a type of cure
or actually a poison i'm drinking

看不見你的笑 我怎麼睡的著
你的身影這麼近我卻抱不到
沒有地球 太陽還是會繞
沒有理由 我也能自己找

if i don't see your smile, how will i sleep
your shadow is so close but i cannot reach it
without the world, the sun will still revolve
without a reason, i can still go on

你要離開 我知道很簡單
你說依賴 是我們的阻礙
就算放開 但能不能別沒收我的愛
當作我最後才明白

i know it's very easy for you to leave
you said dependance is our biggest hindrance
even if we seperate can i still keep the love
regard it as me finally understanding in the end

happiez

"i think i got better
since korea
just....my overrall
you were my inspiration"

says ryannnn oppa
can't really copy and paste more than that but this makes me so happy to know my existence has made a positive impact in someone's life in any way. he says it's because i'm "a happy camper, and always optimistic,and.....just a pleasure to be around" I don't mean to sound very proud or boastful or anything by blogging about it but I'm just really happy to hear it, especially from ryan who i thought didn't "acknowledge" me that much since our meetings really are very rare. i guess even though i don't feel like i'm like what he describes all the time, i'm glad for some people that's the impression i give off =)

surprise surprise

so today i feel lk i've confirmed something and i'm very... "shocked" in a sense to discover myself in this kind of situation again. unfortunately not in the best position i would want to be in right now but things are just making me both happy and worried and hopefully i take the best possible path, and not let my emotions get the best of me!

goal: gain self confidence

how? i have no idea. i've been trying to think POSITIVE (yay!) and to take things more easily and it was going well but i think at the same time that kind of makes me hold things in then forget about them and then realize they're still sort of there and then there's that just "breaking down" time and i think that's what this week is.

so at street practice, we were doing some breaking stuff and then my friend is just like "juat be confident and you'll do well. stop saying you can't do stuff!" =( it's not the first time people have said it... but i wish i really could be confident and perfectly fine with myself and never comparing myself to others but i can'tttt =( and then when i talk about it maybe people don't take it seriously and they kind of just laugh and don't mention it but idunno i guess for me it's serious and for others .. maybe the don't even see it? it's not that i think i'm "worthless" i'm definitely wondering what my skills are though. i have no "forte".. i don't know what to do =(

i guess on a completely different note... david wang showed me a cute, nice song!
我到了这个时候还是一样
夜里的寂寞容易叫人悲伤
我不敢想的太多
因为我一个人

迎面而来的月光拉长身影
漫无目的地走在冷冷的街
我没有你的消息
因为我在想你

爱我别走
如果你说你不爱我
不要听见你真的说出口
再给我一点温柔

Up 'til now i haven't changed
In the lonliness of the night it's easy to be sad
I don't dare to think too much of it
Because I'm alone

facing the moonlight, it strethes the shadows
walking on an endless and cold street
i don't have news of you, because i'm thinking of you now

love me, don't leave
if you say you don't love me
i don't want to hear the truth come out
give me some of your gentleness again

hooray my loosely (badly) translated lyrics are so odd sounding. but it's nice in mando!

poooooo

stuff is really bugging meeee and i am a complete loss as to what to do about it and it's really not even that big of a deal! just that it's kind of random, weird, and questionable stuffs but i'm still very bothered! ..must study english =(

school school school

i'm surprising myself by doing actually.. considerably well in school! on my standards.. probably not by super asian keening standards.. but at least i'm not sad over marks and that stuff =D but the downside is i'm feeling the slacking off starting up again. maybe because now i feel i can put less effort and still do well.. OR i'm just lazy. >__< so anytime now i'm feeling like i will completely flunk at least one of the 3 tests coming up! hooray!

but i think i'm also very proud of myself. i haven't let things affect me too extremely as they used to and i'm really learning how to take things easy although still a little worried about university. trust trust trust!

also bugging me are those s5s O_o sometimes it's nice because it feels lk the beginning of a nice friendship! then you realize it's not really because they just want to say hi in the hallways, then sometimes it seems like it. i'm not sure how to take it =S well at least i actually talk to dwang and stuff. and it's kind of nice to have people care/say hi when you pass by but it's all really shallow. not sure how to take it i suppose

i'm feeling good these days

while surely this will not last and waves of doubt about everything will surely come revisit me again. i'd like to talk as much about my happy times while they do last! today was uts' open house for prospective students and their parents to check out uts and get application forms and information. i signed up to be a tourguide! for some reason it's always been my dream to give a tour of UTS haha but it was really fun and my F1 pair-up was a pretty good partner to have cause she was pretty responsible and answered questions well. Some of the parents this year seemed very intense haha i got a lot of questions similar to: "how many Chinese people go to UTS?" haha.. well it was fun answering their questions although also very tiring because when i got up this morning my legs did not remember how to walk cause they were in such a tired/painful state... so stairs and sitting down = very bad. it's also a good opportunity to meet and bond with students in the other grade. lk the F1 girl who was my partner, silly little andrew chi (he is such a jks little f1 kiddy that he shared his breakfast muffin with me ^^ yay kids), i also got to talk to samik more instead of just having more random chains on firstclass haha, meeting polly's shad friends, drinking second cup drink ^^, distributing pizza!, getting a papercut from pizza box =( haha i guess that's not too fun... but it was a nice day =) OH YEAH i saw pastor ted's wife and his son! ^^ so cool haha yah these littls things put me in a good mood. hopefully no bad little things will change that ^^

super tired (my titles are very unoriginal)

this entire week was overall super tiring... i had a lot of morning street practices as jokes as they were... and many afterschool activities which i have already all forgotten >< but today was really quite a satisfying fun day... i had street practice in the morning, actually spoke to samik in real life ahah, jokes times "popping" in street (really embarassing considering kevin kept looking in my general vicinity and making corrections >__<), totally couldn't solve problems in data, had a nice chat with arnold during 2nd while also making mac&cheese! and a nice little nap, meant to meet ryan at 11 30 but he sucks at waking up so got to join f2 dance class and got taught by "boneless and tall-up" who both auditioned for so you think you can dance canada =D, ryan came at 12 30, "session" with the two guys during lunch, didn't eat lunch, very hungry in art, art was a waste of time..., math was tiring, stayed afterschool a bit doing random stuff, spoke some words of mando with david wang, slept on auditorium stage, ate a bagel!, didn't have a seat on the bus... , went home to finish grad quotes, watched lots of kino's journey, going to open house to be a tourguide =D it's always been my dream! and that must have been very difficult to read through! but im just excited about my day =D esp meeting boneless and tall-up and seeing kevin and ryan popping and locking is very inspiring for me to hurry up and do better!

and hey i have one follower ^__^

100th post guys!

title is irrelevant to post. well today was very interestinggg. we had street practice very early on this morning and i am totally cut but besides the point really... but throughout the day starting from 7:45 am i was bullied by people O_o not like the bad bullying i guess it's more like teasing but i'm thinking about why i'm so easily made fun of again =\ e.g. practice --> nick and kevin are very "in my face" not in a BAD way i guess but at least it was funny? then 3rd period dwang keeps throwing a basketball at me and it really hurts =( and nick carries on with his antics but i think he's just a shy little boy on the inside haha uh and lastly more kevin coming out of the washroom with wet hands and "slaps" me unintentionally. it was kind of weird... but i guess they're all doing it for fun? and i have heard so many times that i need to learn to stand up for myself but not really working yeah.. am i easily bullied cause i'm short? =(

thanksgiving weekend fun!

so far this thanksgiving weekend has been pretty fun =D and i'm trying to not let little annoying things bring me downnn!

ON FRIDAY i went to fairview with alysan afterschool to buy her friend a present =D and it was nice cause we went back to finch and ate korean! and chatted about all kinds of random stuff =) sharon was supposed to come too but her ecxema flared up =( maybe next timee!

ON SATURDAY i went downtown rather early in the morning to eat lunch with dan, andy, andrew, kelvin (?) and andy's frienddd and it was nice seeing them all again and strange that the only reason i know them is through dan lol um andy and girl ditched for shoppings! so we walked all the way over to spadina and dundas for jitz haha got challenged... tim came! went to queens and spadina for more shoppings... went to tim's aunt's stores.. met cousin! lol button store so cuuute. dan had to go back to res for andy, he left on streetcar then we realized we should walk back so we walkedddd from spadina and queens back to eatons and they are quite jks.. what a tiring day lol and we saw dan's res and it's like a hotel :\ no wonder it was so expensive >__< would have been nice to say longer since i prob won't see them very often but i had to meet jo at finchhh then bus then dinner (mac&cheese) then "crying out love from the centre of the world" very long full of silent moments that lasted forever... some jokes moment killers... more random stuff and now i'm blogging... OH YAH JIMMY SAID "salina jie jie" keke that was def a highlight

SUNDAY is planning to eat with esther, sharon, alysan, curtis and carolyn maybe? at korean tofu place! <3 i luff da krn foods and and family bonding day? lol cheung k at home?

monday issss maybe mwan's house.. not sure what to expect from that lol but wow what a variety of spending time with diff ppls this weekend! maybe i should fit in work somewhere...like math ><

mac & cheese

for the very first time, i tried mac & cheese this past saturday and it was amazing. i know it's strange that i've NEVER had it before but oh my goodness so goooood <3 now i know why there are so many kraft dinner commercials STILL. anywho some interesting points of my week...

Tuesday - went to Stratford (passed by waterloo!) and watched Hamlet! fell asleep during second half and good thing Polly woke me up for the fight scene!

Wednesday - House Track Meet and 40 minute classes. so awesome =D it was fun timing and cheering and running like a noob! it's nice to be in my final year in the sense that i can do "anything" i want like stand on the field and not be forced to sit in the stands! ^^ it feels nice also to be involved. i guess this is making up for all the spirit i never had the past 5 years at UTS

Thursday - WHICH IS TODAY! fairly easy day but a bit boring... got to go home early =D which is always a plus and i went to volunteering woots and got my reference letters. I'm very scared because I feel like I'm going to be asking Betty for a lot of reference letters in the future and she might not have time cause she is really so busy. Hopefully she won't mind too much!

On the note of reference letters... I've been looking at scholarships cause it would definitely be good if i could get some scholarships to fund my university because this is really big stress on parents.... but i'm reading through the applications my goodness they are just REALLY intense... it looks for many many achievements and i cannot fill all the boxes! this is very bad to compare but if any of my friends filled it out they would definitely own me cause they are just very... pro with this stuff =( do i have a chance? hopefullys >__<

it all piles up

right now i'm in my very non-confident mode >__< i guess i've sorted some stuff out, thought some more about university but there's so many side things i still have to think about. i realize i'm stuck in a never-ending cycle. Things start to come up, I become scared, thus i don't want to think about it, so i push it back and go do some fun stuff and wait for things to cool off, then more things come up and i'm in the same cycle... worry, play, worry, play and the "do" is mixed in there somewhere...I guess i'm easily influenced, and the littlest things worry and upset me. This is so frustrating =(

well in recent news... today i got very annoyed at how people were acting >__< so I feel like what to do to like avoid getting angry or mad i just walk away and spend some time by myself and just cool off... a;lskd but like it's so frustrating when ppl kind of do something and then they realized that they treated you badly in some way and then they try to make it up by being all like "heyyyy salinaaa" kind of stuff and it's like blah =( whatever i'll try to ignore it. not my business >__<

in other recent news... i guess i kind of want to do street dance or just like a breaking part or something at my school culture show cause it really motivates me to actually practice and stick to it... but a friend was telling me how the coordinator of the dance wants it to be an all boys dance and i think i'm the only girl... and i SORT OF want to do it... high probability that i will be making a fool of myself... so i'm stuck in this dilemma so it's another thing i have to think about

on top of that, always university and school to bug me, and i have to consider the extracurriculars i want to do (should i go back to YCH to volunteer?) and getting a job is high priority as well... ONTOP of that scholarships. i don't have enough space in my head to organize all this !! and on top of this AGAIN i feel very lonely... i don't remember the last time i've got a comforting hug lk a real one.. i can never just sit down with any of my friends and just blurt things out.

we talked about the Sabbath a bit today and it's a day of rest we should all have in our weeks to just relax. i need to relax, chill, and trust in God more. on top of that... sleeping before 12