i'm finding it hard...

I think maybe i'm trying to do too much and not having the ability to manage it all. And it's really frustrating. I keep want to do more because i want to experience doing this, doing that etc. and i already have a lot on my plate... FOH, dance practices x2, PRACTICING DANCE at home (especially street), twig clubs stuff, tutoring, SCHOOLWORK >__<, volunteering, scholarships. EVERYTHING seems to be piling up and really feeling stressed. but more than that i'm frustrated at myself for not being able to focus and concentrate and prioritize things that i need to have done. i set around doing nothing for awhile because i don't want to start work and it's absolutely terrible when it's 10 at night and haven't done anything. Then i feel frustrated for not having time to do the "fun" things cause i have to do work and now i am really noob at breakdancing when if i had practiced all along i think i would be much better. I let myself down so much.

And then we talked about other people letting us down in sunday school, when people forget things they told you they would do etc. And how we get frustrated at them for stuff like that. but then think about it... how often do we let God down. We say we try to improve, try to do better, don't do this cause we know it's bad, etc. Humans are so imperfect... I think if i stopped letting God down, i would stop letting myself down so much, cause i only really do have myself to blame. Time to get my life together again! and hopefully not have it falling apart too much. At least now i catch myself before i fall too deeply into the whole lazy cycle. Even jo and kevin are being more studious than i am :|

pro !

need sleep~

my blog titles are actually terrible. but whatever >_< so this has been a tiring week but i think it's also been quite fun and also stressing... I've had a lot of good times with people this week =) Firstly, just talking to people i don't usually talk to in our grade always makes me happy. makes me feel less disconnected and isolated into one group of friends (not saying it's a bad thing) and to know that i'm on friendly terms with people :) on tuesday there was buddy lunch.. but it kind of failed.. on wednesday i went on my "lunch date" with dwang and nick. they are such jokes and fun people to chill with i think i will miss some s5s haha but yes it was at this secret chinese place! and so cheap~~ but i was late for math >__< but i think it was worth it since mr ianine doesn't care anyways and we talked about games hehe. lk gunbound !! that was definitely a highlight. another highlight was ms drake talking about breaking documentary, watching that breaking documentary, and seeing my inspiration BGIRL RED ^__^ that made my night. and distracted me from data XD chilling with ron at YCH was also pretty cool because we were let off an hour early because there wasn't any work we could do so we sat around and talked about random stuff which is nice since we're usually half filing/half talking so it's actually hard to talk.. i've also been staying up late playing room escape games >__< so i've been really tired recently and also with dance practices and things but i think overall it's been a good week. except for talking about the future, and how i'm kind of stuck, and i should've gone to public school etc... my social life was quite nice this week =) and this lady at the hospital said i had a beautiful name! ^^

social life at the end of a busy week

yesterday was friday ^^ finally and as usual it's my take a break day =) so most of the day was pretty easy going. played some original smash/mario tennis during spare =)but never made my cup noodles unfortunately =( but not a big deal =) i treated my buddy and two of her friends to baskin robbins! and we were late for class.. but they didn't seem to care much haha and then finally after math and everything it was the END OF SCHOOOL ^__^ uum so afterschool i hung out with kevin for an hour.. dunno what to think about that..but then afterwards i went to see the TWIG ppl and we talked about most likely's ... wha mine is not amazing.. then i went downstairs cause polly and jan left so i talked with arnold and then bg and julie a bit. but just like this really simple hanging out time made me really happy because i haven't really talked to arnold in such a long time and we used to be very close in grade 7-9and then just not being in the same "crowd" anymore caused us to drift apart. i also talked to jacob a bit and that also made me really happy. we used to be really good friends in grade 7 and early grade 8 but then for certain reasons things became really awkward and again we drifted far far apart... we couldn't even say hello in in the hallways. and after 6 long years... and also due to the fact that his locker is only one away from mine now.. we finally are able to actually just talk about regular stuff without it being weird. i can't believe it took so long! however there are still so many ppl i've drifted away from but at least it's not as awkward with them =P it reminds me of the movie "5 centimetres per second" where it's the speed at which cherry blossoms fall to the ground, representative of how we all start close together but as life goes on, we slowly drift apart.... so sad haha anyhow after that i went to eat korean food ^__^ always yummy but i was super tired so i went to sleep on the subwayyy and went to felly a bit late but that's okay we were decorating the church for Christmas and it just felt very festive and family-like =) there were also some really good doritos haha now i want to go to walmart and buy them! yah that's my friday and now i have to go work on english after my dad comes home with food and LAI CHA <3 i'm glad i've learnt to take things easier, life becomes much better. i still have my times of like frustration and worries but those pass by quickly =)

song =)

把愛深埋在記憶中　說不出口一種難過
Contain love deep inside our memories, a sorrow that is hard to express
給祝福太多　不能覆蓋我的痛
giving out too many blessings but unable to hide my pain
你要轉身你要走　不在多作停留
you wanted to turn and leave, can't stay here any longer

分開是誰說沒什麼　最難的決定是放手
who said parting is nothing, the hardest decision is letting go
眼中的落寞　說得都是我的錯
the lingering lonliness in the eyes say it was my fault
當你笑著揮揮手　你的沉默我懂
as you smile, waving your hands, i understand your silence

請別說愛我　推我向晴天
please don't say you love me and push me towards sunny days
最溫暖的天空　卻換了季節
the warmest skies but the seasons changed
在絕望的面前　灑落一地心碎
in front of despair the ground is all scattered with pieces of my heart
就算是傷悲　我不想太狼狽
even if i'm hurt i don't want to be too embarassed

請別說愛我　別許下心願
please don't say you love me, don't make more promises
下一秒就出現　你給的紀念
the memories you gave will appear in the next second
風吹過的思念　曾有過的眷戀
a longing that the wind blows by, nostalgia of what i've had

哭紅了雙眼 再讓我心痛一天
two red eyes from crying, giving me another day of heartache

good thing for message history

message history is amazing. it's also amazing to have 12 archives with a friend and stay up til 2:30 AM with school the next day just going through them and laughing about all the ridiculously hilarious and stupid things we've said. it really makes me miss the things that have changed and wish i could "go back to that time" however i know it's important that it has happened but i should be looking towards the future.. and not regretting the things that are different now. =)

on the other hand the future is scary but i got my report card ^^ anddd i have to go rewrite my entire essay... yah..

a conversation about food is the best way to avoid doing english

what started as a conversation about pocky sticks being really good then turning into a conversation about how to eat french toast (西多士）and then talking about ham and egg sandwiches and then DUMDUMDUM convo about marks hooray =( i haven't gotten my report card yet so i don't know what to say.. however i should probably really concentrate on english =(

long weekend!!

this is going to be a very pointless post.. but things i hope to do over the weekend!!

TODAY (aka friday)- shopping with irene and wendy? :) winter clothes~ and then fellowship/session with phil and nicholas!! and phil wants korean cause he is quite the korean boy now! i'm quite excited for this. super church friends hang out day ^^ good thing for PA days =D and good thing York is on strike haha

SATURDAY - oscar's partay! which i hope i can go to. and i hope jan can go to... cause it doesn't seem like polly or judith are going... haha but yah itl'll be a nice break for a change! i'm using way too many exclamation marks but i'm just so happy now

SUNDAY - CHURCH ^^ and then dt hangout time with somebody ? suggested santa clause parade hahah but probably chinatown? i want to go and be a tourist again...

MONDAY - CAFE BLANC PRACTICE TIME. i'm so happy i think we sound not bad ^^ hopefully.. we need to record and listen and stuff too bad my karaoke machine is so far from my piano! lol and then GIRLS hangout time hopefully. it's been awhile when it has just been the 5 girls so i think this will be pleasant and very nice =)

AND THEN THINGS I DON"T WANT TO DO OVER THE WEEKEND BUT WILL HAVE TO FIT IT IN AT SOME POINT.. AMIDST ALL THE FUN:

1. Hamlet English Essay .. gotta get it done by tuesday so she can edit it cause i suckkk at english.
2. Physics Lab....... can't let my physics mark drop >__<

and thaaat is my weekend =) i'm excited cause it sounds amazing!

cont'd

well now that i'm done my little blurb on friendship... IDUNNO being back in this kind of situation again has been nice and i think i've started off much better than before... everything is pretty relaxed and casual and i like it that way but i'm starting to feel that expectancy coming up again and i know it's going to be very bad if i can't control it... he treats me really well and he's really considerate and i feel bad for pushing him away and ignoring him sometimes but it's only cause i'm scared to get too emotionally attached or something. i wish i could talk about all my concerns and things i'm worried about but i really can't find myself to bring it up and bring a too serious and naggy tone to the relationship. today i found myself getting very annoyed and i feel bad because i know he was only there because of me... and not for any other reasons but i think once again i have problems trusting him just because of his background and his friends. however i really honestly know it's not his fault and how can i even complain when i'm the one who always avoids him and is keeping my distance when he's the one that is actually making more of the effort. maybe it's cause i'm still unsure of his feelings?

friendship and love... ship

I guess this is going to be a big two in one kind of blog... i went to school early today and did some contemplating about stuff in general and i felt very thankful. Things have been going alright and i'm trying not to let school and little naggy things get me down. I guess this is ironic because i kind of completely let things bug me today as the day progressed but that's besides the point. I must say I'm really thankful for friends that i have, but i realized there have been some people i've been very close with a couple years ago and i'm happy i've realized that i can still trust them and confide in them if necessary... just very open to telling them things and i think that's nice =) however i feel as if the friends now is a constant struggle and up-and-down thing... sometimes it's good sometimes it's not so great... maybe it's just the people they are. i feel like it's waivering a lot and sometimes i get a little let down and then i start to not want to hang out with them as much. which makes me feel i have no realy tight friend to trust and stuff.. but i think i am really lucky because unlike a lot of the group of friends at school i have out of school friends that i have fun with too. Is it better to have lots of friends or a couple of close ones? I think i've been in both of these situations before but i realized it doesn't really matter as long as your relationship with God is good... either way you will have fun with the few tight friends or you will have fun with all your many friends but people aren't perfect and will not always know what you're thinking, know what you need, know what's wrong, and won't always be there. but He will =) there's this song that i really like...
a song about friendship!
一個人的晚餐無聊寂寞
one person's boring lonely meal
兩個朋友能開心的直說
two friends can openly and happily talk
三個人可以給妳勇氣
three people can give you courage
可以安慰妳的失落
can comfort your disappointment
異口同聲的說
words from different mouthes but the same sound
因為有妳染上新的幽默
because of you i receive a new kind of joy
也因為有妳世界變得輕鬆
and because of you, my world becomes relaxed

我們能相遇非常難得
that we would meet is a work of fate
所以盡情大聲唱歌 分享每一分鐘
so openly sind loudly, make use of every minute
我們擁有一個真心的朋友
we have a true friend
就算有風吹不走我們感動
even the wind cannot blow away our feelings
真的希望妳能夠永遠快樂
i really hope you will always have enough happiness
妳懂我
you understand me
不用說
no need to say it
最想看見彼此的笑容
i really want to see you smile

HAPPY PEPERO DAY

this has got to be the most jokes and cute day ever. In Korea on Nov. 11th, they celebrate Pepero day where people give their loves pepero (or Pocky)!! lol IS THAT NOT SO CUTE?! apparently it was created by Lotte ( super big controlling company in Korea) since Pepero is also created by Lotte... but anyways it's jokes... also jokes is how while they're celebrating love... here in Canada we have remembrance day which is totally different...

i've finally found a hobby

well things are starting to get busy... and by busy i don't mean school work but dance practice! anyways this week... mon, tues, wed i have dance afterschool and two dance practices in the morning on wed so i'm going to be really tired. thurs i have nothing! i'm really worried about the eng essay that is due very soon so i guess i should really do my work! instead of slacking off this weekend. however i ate with crystal and it was nice chatting with her about stuff again. and today i went with some NT-ers to nakwon! (they opened one at fmp!!) i'm really looking forward to friday as well because i'm going to have a breakdancing session with phil and nic at NT before fellowship so i'm really excited to learn some stuff! and ACTUALLY session =) my inverts are getting better too! so in general things are going pretty good. i've been smiling more than usual ^^ i really go to improve that relationship with God though and also work on that self-confidence thing..

equilibrium

when a system reaches equilibrium, it is dead and can do no work... or something like that (from bio, yay i still remember a bit) ANYWAYS i have achieved equilibrium! i feel very bad for not working but i have been staying afterschool everyday this week and then after that sometimes i have extra stuff to lay on like mandarin and volunteering... so i get really tired by the time i get home and i just want to lay around and NOT think of english essays. no work can be done! i feel like i could use this random play time to study or start something for work... or even practice breaking.. but I'M SO TIRED. need to sleep earlier... like right now...ALSO art.. oh my goodness i think my idea is going to get owned or it's going to turn out completely crappy... WHAT DO I DO?! uts is in desperate need of a holiday ...

"i like to dance when i'm stressed"

yay so i made hiphop and street ^^ and in the words of jeff: "BALLIN'" haha =D i'm really happy to be able to at least be not too awkward when i dance. it's something i really enjoy doing. i just wish i was more open with it because you need to have good confidence when you dance and hopefully i can gain this! i've also been having a good time doing dances because i've been able to meet people through it. like this guy in m4 always says hi to me in the hallway and it's just nice and friendly hehe. which makes me sad that i'm leaving next year though so maybe had i done this earlier =( but yah! i hope this means that i can actually dance somewhat well? considering i made it but i know some people who made it also didnt' dance thaaat well so maybe i'm one of those people too! but anyways school will be much more fun with dance practices!