there must be more than this

and there is. the past week hasn't been amazing. i got my chinese midterm back and got a 75. i suppose it's not that bad but i guess it sucks to be below average and doing not as well in a course that i really like, and thus would want to excel in. so allll week i've been complaining about this and being really sad bout it and idunno why but i don't think it was only the midterm.. but i felt really frustrated and i found that i could randomly start crying without knowing relaly why... it's somewhere in my subconcious..anyway basically it hasn't been too good and i'm slowly deteriorating without even knowing it.

then there was the joint worship event with laurier this past friday for ccf. at first i really didn't want to go cause i was tired, it was cold, had to walk to sch... so many reasons. but i took a nap and for some reason when it was 6 30 i thought i was late and sprung out of bed really quickly haha and just walked to sch without relaly thinking about it. anyways it was totally worth it. not only was it a great worship event, amazing speakers, good time to see friends, but God was truly working in people's lives, breaking them down and just reshowing everyone how He is mighty to save. the first thing i thought of when we were worshipping and singing the line "there must be more to this" was the trials of university, marks, studying, stress, and how i complained so disappointed by that 75 >__> and then i remembered why it is that i want to learn chinese, and i even remembered why i chose urban planning (strangely, whenever anyone asked me why i went into the program i always said idunno.. but i guess i had just forgotten). I think God has blessed me with a passion to really go and serve in China. He's given me a passion for the culture and the people and with my planning degree i would go and help develop the rural areas, teach english, and above all do all these things for the glory of God.. to minister to the people and show them His love. Or that was the plan. and i had forgotten all that. sad really =( realistically and truthfully speaking though this is a really hard dream to hold onto. when i think about my future i see me wanting to be serving in China.. but there are always always fears. ofcourse it's the financial situation. there's that temptation to having a secure future, but that's not the biggest thing.. just thinking about supporting my parents when they're older and need to rely on me/brother... that scares me. another thing that was heavy on my mind was whether this program was right for me. i was talking to a friend in my program and she prob wanted to drop out after 1st year and switch to ryerson for something else. i just hope that that this is the right program, right now i don't have much drive becuase it doens't really relate to the kind of planning i'm looking to do i suppose... ah well it's complicated.

anyway i guess i just wanted to say that this night really reminded me and showed me how weak we become when God is not active in our lives. I realized how lost i was, not remembering what was truly important. i remember when i got like 60% or something on my chemistry exam back in highschool XD and all did was laugh it off. i really did try hard to study though ahah not saying we should not care about marks cause i guess they are important in some senses. but YAH it was great seeing so many people just come before God in their weaknesses and acknowledge His sovereignty over EVERYTHING! yay

the first tastes of failure...

well that essay awhile back may also qualify as failure but i had a chinese midterm (25%) today and it was really darn tough T_T i studied preeetty hard but i think i concentrated way too much on the vocabulary =( that played a very small role on the midterm T_T the part that really owned me good was the antonym and synonym thing. i should've created a list for it or something and studied that. but instead i looked over that section for about 3 minutes before the testtttt. didn't realize that section was that hard. and also that filling in the blanks >_> hopefully the words i guessed are okay. tranlation.... there were nouns i didn't know how to write in chinese that i guess we are supposed to know ? but it's not even part of vocab from this course! =( and then grammar was so much guessing. hopefully there will be pity marks. i seem to be hoping for those a lot. =( if i want to do more chinese courses how will i EVER do the next level up? so much fail! i just hope i didn't actually fail... but the thought of not doing super good in elective courses is not reassuring. i knew chinese was a challenege but i thought i could still do fair. mid 80s? prob not =(

procrastination lesson ..hopefully

well this week was pretty hectic in general. i had a presentation on tuesday and then a paper due on thursday. i guess it's not TOO bad but i just since we didn't have much work before it was hard to start working now and just not used to writing papers = confusion! missed breaking twice in a row aaand stayed up til 6, slept 3 hours and did more work. i guess relatively it's not too bad becuase people pulled all nighters. BUT still pretty crap feeling. and hopefully i actually learn to never do this again. i'm kind of scared i did really bad on it =( but oh well hope he goes eeasy since it is our first paper.

i also went to a casa dance. just for fun with friends. DEF not looking for anything. especially after handing in that work wanted to just relax and stuff. but omgoodness i hate the atmosphere of that place so much >_< all those slutty girls and creepy guys... hai. it's lk alkdjfa. but i should not talk about that or i'll start a huuuuge rant again. i've prob already ranted twice GR angry. seriosuly it's just really disappointing/disgusting >_> prob won't go again. that is allll

tortuuure

but not really. just work. like i know i have to do it but everytime i try i feel like i'm dying inside... lol it's like so TEDIOUS. i cannot describe this feeling of working. lk just thinking about it is terrible. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KEENER IN ME... also i looked at my schedule next term and i think i'm going to be ralllly dreading it. there are soo many night classes =( like 8 50.... i don't think i can fit tourism in anymore T_T but it IS a 3 hour class so gotta reconsider. i think it's a lot of morning classes and lots of late classes so i have a whole lot of nothing in the middle... i'm so sad now >_< i didn't even realize we had already been enrolled in courses... and like all the other choices are the exact same times but different days.. WHYYY. =( boo hai T_T i ratehr have all morning classes instead of having so many things at night. just like knowing you still have classes or that you're eating dinner and know you have to leave.. that will suck T_T

ANYWAY. that's my ranting about school >__> but there's been some good times as well. when i actually work hard i feel good haha. but that doens't happen often. um breaking always makes me happy lol not only am i doing exercise but i feel lk i'm improving and people are helpful. learning chinese is prob what i'm enjoying most. and maybe studio class for planning. ccf is also a nice break from all that school =) must work now T_T

so faaar away

i feel like i want to cry. but i can't because tracy is sleeping...but everything is so bleh. i know i don't talk to people very often about crap going on but i guess i've been suppressing a lot without really realizing it and it's just coming out nows...i feel lk sometimes i'm just a pitstop in someone's life. like just one part out of their many other people and i hardly feel grounded in anyone's life. i think it's also a struggle that i have all these emotions but i can't put anything into words. it's also that struggle where i feel like i want to be important to people or in their lives but i'm not.

i guess sometimes i feel alone, surprisingly... and to feel this way means that somewhere along the road i lost sight of God, my ultimate frienddd! i really tried to keep doing devos in uni but i guess i'm just not at res a lot so i never sit down and read or pray. the only time i do pray is mostly giving thanks for meals and the occasional prayer that comes up. hopefully this will serve as a wake-up call.. as i learnt from sunday school... if everything i do is not to honour God it's a sin, therefore do everything in a way that i will honour God..

i often wonder if my unhappiness is ever due to just the kind of person i am. often bullied? fearful of what others think? unconfident? idunno really sometimes i feel kind of sad that im the way i am. unsatisfied? i dont know..i just feel messy i suppose. even now i don't really know what i'm saying or talking about. somehow the fact that i'm sad translated into this mess of a blog..