there must be more than this

and there is. the past week hasn't been amazing. i got my chinese midterm back and got a 75. i suppose it's not that bad but i guess it sucks to be below average and doing not as well in a course that i really like, and thus would want to excel in. so allll week i've been complaining about this and being really sad bout it and idunno why but i don't think it was only the midterm.. but i felt really frustrated and i found that i could randomly start crying without knowing relaly why... it's somewhere in my subconcious..anyway basically it hasn't been too good and i'm slowly deteriorating without even knowing it.

then there was the joint worship event with laurier this past friday for ccf. at first i really didn't want to go cause i was tired, it was cold, had to walk to sch... so many reasons. but i took a nap and for some reason when it was 6 30 i thought i was late and sprung out of bed really quickly haha and just walked to sch without relaly thinking about it. anyways it was totally worth it. not only was it a great worship event, amazing speakers, good time to see friends, but God was truly working in people's lives, breaking them down and just reshowing everyone how He is mighty to save. the first thing i thought of when we were worshipping and singing the line "there must be more to this" was the trials of university, marks, studying, stress, and how i complained so disappointed by that 75 >__> and then i remembered why it is that i want to learn chinese, and i even remembered why i chose urban planning (strangely, whenever anyone asked me why i went into the program i always said idunno.. but i guess i had just forgotten). I think God has blessed me with a passion to really go and serve in China. He's given me a passion for the culture and the people and with my planning degree i would go and help develop the rural areas, teach english, and above all do all these things for the glory of God.. to minister to the people and show them His love. Or that was the plan. and i had forgotten all that. sad really =( realistically and truthfully speaking though this is a really hard dream to hold onto. when i think about my future i see me wanting to be serving in China.. but there are always always fears. ofcourse it's the financial situation. there's that temptation to having a secure future, but that's not the biggest thing.. just thinking about supporting my parents when they're older and need to rely on me/brother... that scares me. another thing that was heavy on my mind was whether this program was right for me. i was talking to a friend in my program and she prob wanted to drop out after 1st year and switch to ryerson for something else. i just hope that that this is the right program, right now i don't have much drive becuase it doens't really relate to the kind of planning i'm looking to do i suppose... ah well it's complicated.

anyway i guess i just wanted to say that this night really reminded me and showed me how weak we become when God is not active in our lives. I realized how lost i was, not remembering what was truly important. i remember when i got like 60% or something on my chemistry exam back in highschool XD and all did was laugh it off. i really did try hard to study though ahah not saying we should not care about marks cause i guess they are important in some senses. but YAH it was great seeing so many people just come before God in their weaknesses and acknowledge His sovereignty over EVERYTHING! yay