i don't even know

sometimes the reality of blogging hits you... i'm only blogging cause you feel like you don't have anyone to go to T___T i feel like i've been broken today. like.. in the sense that you feel so open and exposed in a sense. AH VULNERABLE is the word. couldn't think of it for awhile haha. yes .. vulnerable >__< perhaps in the past 8 hours which i've been having a huge headache and all i could do is sit around and think and wonder and worry has broken me down and i feel very ... sad? i don't think it's necessarily sad. maybe more unsure, unknowing, confused? definitely troubled. i think i'm most unsure about.. my self... i see so many faults, but yet i can't fix them.. i think i know i should be but i can't ... think like that. and then there are some things i'm very unsure of.. i can't even describe it. but i guess if i were to generalize i'm quite disappointed in myself. why can't i be simpler, why do things i love turn out to be the hardest things for me to achieve (not just skills-wise), why am i so easily bugged about things. these will be some tough weeks..

insomnia dumdumdummm~

i can't sleep =( and it's because i keep thinking about stuff and i'm worrying so much that i keep thinking and my brain never rests so i can't SLEEP T__T i went to bed at 1 am and rolled around for 2 hours and got up and i was just as awake as when i went to bad >__< i'm so concerned for street. i am going to screw upppp i'm also scared for work in general... how is this eng doc going to work itself out =S, this physics question i haven't thought about, the math exam coming up... then there's just stuff about how i have to use my time efficiently etc... i can't stop thinking about stuffffff and i get no rest =(

starting off the year with 3 bad weeks

Well i came up with several some-what vague new year's resolutions...

- Be more organized…
not working out that well right now haha but I"M TRYING. i think this ties in a lot with prioritizing well
- Don’t be so lazy
work work work! don't put things off and especially don't sit around doing nothing if you have something better to do =( this will be hard
- Develop a better relationship with God and with brothers&sisters in Christ
I REALLY NEED TO WORK WITH THIS. i remember when i had a wonderful relationship with God and i was very close with brothers and sisters in Christ but that has ... disappeared. i want to get that spiritual motivation back!
- Don’t rely so heavily on technology aka get off the computer
I really need to stop being on the computer from right when i get home to when i sleep...
- SLEEP
and speaking of sleep i actually need to do this.. and not stay awake because i think i will do something fun but i never actually do anything fun...
- Fix up relationships with people
fix or improve.. or reinitiate. i have a lot of broken, failing, and cut off friendships that i would like to take care of better
- Carry through with things I start
STOP GIVING UP/QUITTING when i suck. this will be harddd

I guess i have a lot of frustration to vent too and that's because of the 3 weeks that's coming up. University decisions scare me to death... i have applied.... but i don't really know what's going to happen, so i'll be hoping for the est but.. i'm really glad i submitted everything and dont' have to worry about that.
WORK is terrible... math test this week, math exam next week, physics question due (and i don't understand physics T__T), ENG DOCUMENTARY is going to kill me... 1.5 weeks is not really enough =( and it's my own fault for procrastinating.. so i'm really scared for that
THE SHOW maybe i overdid it with things this year but there are going to be a lot of coinciding practices between Street and Hiphop and i don't know which one to choose (prob street cause it's more fun) but i got totally owned today and am a bit traumatized =( NO FEARRR but even just having so many practices is so tiring... and i really have to get the invert DOWNNN. and then FRONT OF HOUSE IS SO UNORGANIZED. it's just all over the place and connie and i have to do a budget thing by Wed?!?! just out of nowhere... should've given us more notice and the design is kind of over the top..? =S but MASS STRESS WITH THIS. i don't want the 23/24 to come T__T
TWIG this wouldn't have been so bad if the deadline wasn't at the same time as all the other things but it is so terribly annoying for me and for club exec when they don't reply to my emails asking for their information then i have to send them MORE emails and check and make sure WHOS" INFO I HAVE AND WHO'S I DON'T arghh and some exec are just so unresponsive.. and some clubs haven't even HAD meetings.. bleh
MY BIRTHDAY i don't know if this is something to look forward to or not. everyone is always busy during this time and it's not very fun staying at school til 9/10 at night...AGAIN... for the past 2 years as well... >__< so lame

there are things to look forward to as well =P actually not THAT much to look forward to but um they are good things :) chinese new year celebration at rogers centre/maybe jeff chang concert with dwang RIGHT AFTER CULTURE SHOW (it's too bad i'm missing fama, hins, and fir...), more hang time with klee hehe, more poutineee eating, and just looking forward to this being ALL OVER. yay i know i will miss street though XD

2009!!

first post of the new year =) um wow i don't even know what to say.. from dec 30 - now has just been filled with .. fun haha
dec 30 - street practice was as usual amazing, chilled with kevin at chapters haha =), julie's party was nice and seeing people i haven't seen in awhile, her house is so nice and her mom is also very nice. i've basically just said that all her stuff is nice, and good arnold chat about random stuff, brought up gunbound haha
dec 31 - new year's eve of course =) lena came over and we made dukboki, sai mai lo, cheung k'd, sparkler fun anddd COUNTDOWN which we almost missed. and then more cheung k XD this was a really nice hangtime
jan 1 - Irene's birthday partay =) (SURPRISE bday party which she knew of) haha i guess awkward at first but i think she enjoyed it in the end =) it's nice to actually hang out with people from church since i haven't been doing that much =( and dutch blitz and brawl and hotpot!! were just bonuses ^^
jan 2 - more street. awesomee times finished the "solo" ahaha (I"M REALLY NOT GOOD AT EITHER DANCE ELENA DON"T EXPECT ANYTHING) then skipped hiphop >< and got a ride with park/jeff to mwan's house and talked to park's mom about korean stuff keke like dukboki and going to korea! and mwan's was pretty chill except i was so tired already >__<
I guess these past 4 days have just been good people time for me and it's nice to really relax and chill like this over the break. Like hanging out with lena was really reminiscent for the both of us, especially cheung k.. singing all these old songs we used to love when we were in our downtimes and our support for each other was really great. stuff like street makes me wish culture show would never come.. because then i can keep having practices and then i wouldn't have to perform.. haha and i kind of wish this year would never end so i don't have to worry about university... hai and i wish this break would never end but we'd be free to go to school for fun and not do work! YAY =( hai sacrificing work for fun times this break is leaving me more and more stressed but i'm quite satisfied. a lot of things have worked themselves out except for work... haven't gotten around to making new years resolutions... >__< not that i keep them often..

2008 reflection...

i don't really feel like sleeping... again. >__< it's so bad too cause i was so tired from a really long day but OH WELL. i just realized that today is the last day of 2008, although it really doesn't feel like it.. HOW TIME PASSES SO FAST.. so i thought it would be appropriate to take this time while i'm not doing anything anyway.. to reflect on how this year has been. although this year has been full of interesting things i think it's actually been less.. dramatic than 2007/2006.. i also have to pull memories from before the summer and even back to Jan 2008 and that is hard so i'm really basing a lot of these generalizations on recent occurrences (i.e. this school year). I think it's always nice to look back and reflect and realize how much wiser you've become and how i have learnt from my mistakes, while still failing a lot.. but still better :) it's kind of hard to reflect and generalize... i see 2008 in 3 chunks... the 07-08 school year (i.e. before the summer break), the summer break, and this 08-09 school year so far.
- The first section was interesting i suppose haha. it really pushed me to learn from my experiences, to try and not make the same mistakes, and i think a time of pretty good spiritual life.. i had a lot of support from school friends and it was really nice, and i think i miss that so maybe that should be one of those new years resolutions keke. I guess since it's been awhile, all the stuff that happened is not a big deal anymore, which is nice, i already have enough to think about now! but as far as i can remember now, i didnt end that year on such a bad note. i had a lot of good times and lots of fun
- but probably not as much fun as i had in the summer. Summer was probably one of my best summers ever. Softball started off my summer amazingly and my social life was reallyyy alive. I felt like I had tons of people to hang out with and even over in Asia like in Korea with Namjin and Ryan and then in HK where a lot of people met up and that was sweeet. plus even when i didn't have anyone to hang out with i loved going out shopping and just walking around on the streets. i love hk T__T i also hung out with dan and got to know his friends and that was nice. FIREWORKS. crystal too, i'm so glad i'm still good friends with herrr <3 and coming back from asia was absolutely amazing with more SOFTBALL. although i felt like this year i missed out on hanging out/we just didn't hang out as much, it was still amazing. I could go on.. but i shouldn't. it was basically amazing
- this school year has been.. also amazing. WELL i got quite a good mark. although not reflective of my top 6 but it's still a nice accomplishment.. unfortunately everything is going by so fast i'm a little sad since it is my last year in highschool/at UTS. i'm a little sad though that i made the most friends with other grades in my last year... cause i'm just going to be sad to leave them when i have to go haha but always gotta move on.. but yeah i've just been getting to know new people and i love them they are amazing. i just get so much joy from meeting cool people. it's really been full of laughter more than anything, not saying no times of unhappiness, but i've been enjoying it really almost to the fullest. i also love getting to know people again, it just makes me so happy O_o although university apps are just really ..ajsdkfa right now.. i've been having a blast. (aljfa lotsa work/stress coming though!)
WELL i guess all i can really say about this year is that it's been GREAT and i can only be grateful for that (hehe) it's too bad i realized it so late but better late than never (not "lei doh ho gwoh say" lol) i should be more thankful for everything that happens... i feel like i'm going to be making a lot of these new years resolutions =S darn. well i'm glad i'm spending the last highschool new years eve with probably my closest hs friend, who i was tightest with in gr 8 but it kind of went up and down but despite the times apart, we were good enough friends to still be able to be good friends even after time apart. MUST END THIS YEAR OFF WITH A BANG and by bang i just mean positivity. Being unconfident and stressed out gets me negative so easily.. i should work on that too.. it sounds lame like "be positive!" but i honestly think if you want to have fun and be happy, a lot of it comes from your own take on things and if youre not positive about it..how do you expect to be happy... hmmm byebye 2008, welcome 2009... omgosh i'm graduating hahah

recently...

1) shampoo got into my eyes T__T it stung :(
2) i went more shoppings
3) realized half of break is over
4) no hmwk is done
5) less confused, more concerned
6) more panicked, more worried
7) no plans T__T
8) more tired, less sleep... more like can't sleep
9) 我超想念他， 不過說不出口。。。

i love eating

but don't have the metabolism to balance it all off. hahaha basically i'm getting fat. time to start doing more exercise and eating less at night (my favourite past time) :[
on the brighter note, i've more or less completed by holiday shopping and it's terrible but now i just want to buy more clothes =( i have a whole list of what i want and it sucks cause i wish i wasn't so ... wanting stuff T__T it's all just because of that one time i got a deal on a sweater and now i want to take advantage and get cheap deals everywhere! =(
i went to stc today though and it's nice cause i haven't been there in so long!! i still remember being 7 years old and being fascinated by the balloons XD i can't wait til boxing day! shopping with crystal and sherry =) they give good advice hehe
so it was good shoppings times today and movie.. i haven't seen a movie in so long T__T hopefully more holiday fun to comeee