this might be a long one

it's 1:36 AM and i know i should sleep but i've been thinking and thinking. well not that much. it just so happened that i was talking to a friend. and i mean like tight friend not just any friend. and we were talking about music and what not and she was showing me stuff and it was all this like music that kind of gets you into sad, slightly depressed, thinking deeply mode if anyone gets what i am talking about O_o anyways i guess this all started when i was talking to said friend about music and i think i realize i am lk the noob among my friends. the one who tries to keep up with all that asian stuff they are into but everyone is more updated than me. i guess not that i really MIND this "setback" but when it's apparent in the way that they express that they feel they are cooler or proer than me in these terms is a little depressing. i guess it's like how friend said "yah i listen to all the music that no one knows" and it's clear that there is that cool factor that is generally expressed when you say that. idunno i'm sure i do it too but i feel like my friend is clearly bragging about how cool she is. >< and i cannot find this cool music anywhere! and this totally messes up my view on who i am and identity and all that. Like... should i become like them or "be true" and just be who i am. clearly being who i am is the typical and probably better answer, but it just looks a bit as if who i am is not "cool" or whatever i don't even know. i've always told myself being cool is not important but clearly it is to some extent. i know my friends are good friends and all but this also led me to think about how i never talk about serious things anymore. and that is clearly related to the fact that i don't have anyone to talk to stuff like that about. Whenever i go over to my friend's houses they quickly go to the computer and start watching youtube. not saying it's not fun or anything but too much youtube... if that is all we do then is our friendship not only bound because we have common interests in these worldly random things and not so much because we are there as friendship support. Because i cannot share with any of them my personal thoughts and to be honest that is a little saddenning. When you know you have to resort to blogging about your problems, that's when it clearly hits you. that you have no friends. but not really haha just... not friends you can share much with. i think it's cause i'm scared to tell them what really goes on in my head cause i'm scared of what they will think. and that is a clear indicator that your friends are not super close >< i don't know. i'm a little sidetracked now cause i just learnt some like crazy news and i'm a little shocked so i think this post is long enough.