everything is perfect from far away

on the way to benoit's house on the subway and on the bus, i'm with a bunch of other people in my grade, two s5s and an m4... i know nick and dwang are upset cause they couldn't catch the movie with me and they felt ditched? but it wasn't my fault.. but anyways they were half joking mad and half actually kind of annoyed but i think they just wanted to push me around a bit just to get back at me a little. it's nothing really serious i don't think. but as we're about to get on the subway, nick and dwang push me aside so i can't go in first and the "older boys" have to yell at them to stop. it's like the older ones chastising (?) the youngers ones and showing them what's wrong. or the more authoritative kids telling the younger ones to stop doing stupid things. this sounds like it's happened before... why do i laugh even though i don't find it very funny... i don't know. even if it's because i like the attention, i don't want attention drawn to me in that way because it's really embarassing. i have no backbone? do i? idunno >__< similarly on the bus nick was bullying me a bit more and aly had to use somewhat stern serious tone like a "why are you doing that nick..." tone to stop. i feel like i'm some helpless person who other ppl have to watch over because i can't do things myself... and that is really embarassing. i don't know if that's hard to understand or not.. but it is.